I read and I dream

I know, I have been rather quiet lately. I have had a couple of rough days, and not a lot of knitting done (although that is purely to blame on The Chronicles of Amber; it is a huge book, so I can't carry both my knitting and my book with me in my bag, and at the moment the book is winning). Some mildly interesting things have happened, though.

I bought the book Sensual Knits, which arrived on Tuesday on the mail. I really like it. I would like to make so many projects out of it (nearly all of them!), but I think I have narrowed down my choice to 2: the Sayuri (a kimono-style jumper) and the camisole and cardi set (all Rav links). They both look beautiful. I am thinking of making the camisole and cardi in some pretty grey, to give it that air of immortality and make it a classic I can wear to work until I wear the threads thin. I am not sure what colour to make the kimono, though. I like the blue of the default picture in the book, but maybe I should be more adventurous with my choices of colour (says the person with the bright green tee and the orange cardi).

Tomorrow my new computer will be delivered to me. I still have not thought of a name for it, but lately the name of Steven/Stephen is starting to ring in my head. It just feels a bit too boring, next to Sherlock, Spudtrooper and Lazarus. I need something with a bit more of an exotic ring to it.



I had a dream last night, as every night. I dream a lot, especially now, and this is a prime example of my dreams. I don't always remember them, especially in any kind of order; I remember "blocks", but when I try to put them together the dreams get mixed up, especially with dreams that happened in the same places. But I remember this one in order, so I thought I'd give you a piece what happens in my brain.
This dream involved being in the aftermath of some generic Armageddon/apocalypse/nuclear war type thing. "We" needed to go inside a high-school-AND-military building (a concrete block), to get something important. This "something" turned out to be the cutest baby pig (pink with some black spots), which farted fluorine. It ran away and we chased it. Then the feds/CIA/generic men-in-black arrived, and chased us and the pig (I think they wanted the pig, I seem to remember that it was useful in our barren wasteland of an Earth) through rooms full of white gas (fluorine from the pig). Then? Then it got weird.
The building got locked and one of the men in black turned into a psychopath and proceeded to chase us one by one. We spent many years in that building, chased by this psychopath. Not so much running and trying to outwit him. He had found a way to suck the life from people and pass it to others (make them younger, amongst other uses) and to transplant animal skin onto people. Also, let me tell you that crawling atop magazines stored vertically is remarkably difficult to do silently.
After many years, my original, pig-chasing group teamed up with the feds, and we tricked the psychopath and run to the building exit. Only I took the wrong turn and ended up in the lair of the psychopath. Oops. He wasn't there, but his family was. Did you know he had a family? It was weird. The dream then kind of merged into another, which involved metal and bars, but the locked-building is what I can remember.
This is how my mind dreams, all night long. Every. Single. Night. It gets boring after a while

Will post tomorrow from my new computer!

Yesterday I was sociable

Yesterday I was sociable! *round of applause*

One of my coworkers had a movie night. When she emailed us about it, I replied saying that I might go, but I had a doctor's appointment on the day, so it would depend on how I felt. She then looked for me, and said that she understood, but it was going to be a quiet evening anyway, and she would be really happy if I could make it. Somebody actually requested my presence! Atiya is really nice. So I went, because people actually wanted me there, and they not always do.

Most of my interactions with friends are dominated and hindered by guilt. Guilt because I'm not a good friend, because I haven't talked to them in ages, because I'm ill. On the other hand, most of my interactions with acquaintances are dominated and hindered by anxiety. Anxiety and panic because I don't know what to talk about with them, because I feel that being ill will spoil the party, because I fear they won't like me and then be nasty to me.
However, because my acquaintances are here, and my friends live further away, I end up interacting with them more than with my good friends, which makes me feel even more guilty.

This is just to get you into context. I spend yesterday very nervous, as my lack of nails can testify, and stammering when I had to say anything that involved any thinking, but at least it wasn't as bad as when I tried to go bowling. I think I just felt much safer because it was somebody else's house, and Atiya is very nice, and has managed to pick up what my "chemical brain imbalance" is, and won't press on it.

The evening itself was alright. The plan was to start watching a movie at about 7, and order food during, but it didn't happened. And plans that don't happen make me nervous. People arrived late, so we talked, and then a Bollywood movie happened to kill some time. I really disliked the main character, as he looked just like an oversize Ken doll, without shoulders. We got food in the end, but it was all very disjointed and not the plan, so I knew rather early on that I would not get to watch the planned movie.
I mean, it wasn't too bad, it was nice to hang around with people, but it wasn't amazing. I had an ok time. I was sitting in a corner quietly for most of the time, petting some of my yarn, but it was not hiding-quiet, just simply quiet in the company of others, so it's a better thing.

I started to make my move out about 9.30, so I could get the 10.00 bus, and be home at 10.30. I think the worst part of the evening was having to explain to people that I needed to go home. That I get really ill if I don't get a full night sleep.
I can stay up late, and I can do "active" things, but they need preparation. I need to have quiet days the previous two days, and then sleep lots and vegetate the next day to recover all the energy spent in being social. However, most people just don't understand this, because socialising comes natural to them. I can only do so much every day (if I go to work, I can normally do only one more "big" thing, like shopping, or cleaning, or sex, and I have to organise stuff accordingly), and I truly needed to go home to sleep, regardless whether it was "just this once".
I don't want to go upfront "look, I have depression, I can't do this", but if I go around it people don't understand, and it is frustrating.

Despite getting home on time, I didn't have the extra rest to compensate for the active, so I feel incredibly hazy today. I spend 5 minutes earlier in the toilet completely zoned out, and I can barely hold my concentration, even when not working. Monday is a bank holiday, so at least I have three days to recover, and there isn't anything else planned for a while. I hope it will get easier with time, and that it will help me regain contact with my friends. I miss them, but I panic, and I feel really guilty. I guess even if not what I'd like to do, everything is a small step forwards.

[[Knitting post this weekend]]

Easter

I'm going to Eastercon!

I wasn't really planning on going, it hadn't really occurred to me. But two days ago at night, Alex and I had a look at places to go for Easter. Because it was so late, and because we weren't sure what we wanted to do, we couldn't really find anything we liked, and it was all rather expensive, especially for something we were not sure about. Alex got rather sad and a bit upset, because he wanted to do something nice with me, but nothing was happening.

Something clicked inside me. Seeing him so sad about it was like a good kick in the butt, and the organiser Cristina came out. I calmed him down and then found us a pln¹ (play, restaurant; zoo, forest).
Then yesterday at work one of my friends mentioned online Eastercon, and that clicked to. After confirming with Alex an interest, I found dates, hotels, prices and other information, and phoned the theatre anyway to check if they'd still had tickets that evening rather than book them then (it turned out that they were already sold out). I even secured a temporary booking (until today) of a hotel room, just in case we wanted to book tickets for the con.

In the evening, when both of us went home, we discussed it, and suddenly Alex found himself with a plan I had made, including with emails and phone calls to strange people, something I hate dread hate dread doing. I then booked the con tickets and the hotel, and he booked the trains. I had a bit of a shake prior to booking, but I had managed got get an idea all the way to a plan without panicking!

So now Alex and I will be at Eastercon Saturday and Sunday, staying Saturday night at the con hotel! I feel very proud of having dealt with and planned things. I also want Alex to know that I can step up to the challenge if it's needed, that he doesn't need to help me be up all the time.


I'm off to Alex's siblings birthday party this evening, and probably will be out of contact for a couple of days afterwards at his parents. I'm a bit scared about the birthday party, because it involves 90-odd people I don't know, so hopefully I will be ok. Alex has volunteered to help me and, if I feel bad, I can go back early wit Alex's parents, who are not staying for the full party until 3 am (it's a rented venue).

Have a good Easter if I don't see you earlier!



¹A pln is a plan that is not fully developed yet. Even below a pln is a pl. You don't want to carry out those.