Coffee

Tired.
Liquid gold in my cup,
sweet and warm.
Not enough.
Sleep now.

Hopes for better sleep

On Sunday, when I was mostly hibernating because my energy levels were so low, I discovered that I can knit and read at the same time!
Granted, it was only a swatch (for Emerald) and a book that I've already read twice (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince), and both went pretty slow, but both went. I am the Queen of Multitasking!


My (new but equally nice) doctor was very puzzled yesterday that reducing my propanolol had made me more tired, because it was really not meant to do that! Yesterday I was so exhausted that I nearly couldn't be bothered to go to Tai Chi, and you know how much I like it and how good it does to me.

As a result of her confusion, we are running a bit of an experiment. I'm decreasing my propanolol a bit more, and alternating taking it and not. On the days that I take it, I will also take some sleeping pills (zopiclone), to help us determine whether my exhaustion is due to poor sleep or if there are other causes (despite my recent blood tests being impeccable). In the days that I do not take the propanolol, I won't take anything to sleep, to see how my sleep acts when it's not chemically affected by the propanolol. We'll only be running this experiment for two weeks, partly because the sleeping pills she gave me are highly addictive, and I'm also incredibly reactive to changes in medication, so it should be plenty of time to tell.

I took yesterday my first sleeping pill. ~Funny enough, it took me a bit longer to fall asleep than normal, as I was a bit anxious as to what effects it was going to have on me. I think my dreams were slightly less vivid than normal, more subdued, less bright colours, although they were still there most of the night. I think I slept a bit better, though, although Tai Chi always helps with that.

I'll guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Change of plans

Today, I wanted to mention that it's been two years since I had my major breakdown, and how far I've come from then. Instead, I'm going to complain about sleep.

As I've mentioned before, a side effect of one of my meds is incredibly vivid dreams, which leave me tired all the time. I am decreasing my meds, partly because I don't need them now, and partly to help me sleep better.
However, it's not working! The propanolol is what makes me sleepy. Since decreasing it even further (from 80-40-40 mg to 40 mg all), I'm more sleepy than ever. This past night I slept 10 hours, and had to go back to bed after 2 hours awake, because I was just too tired. I had noticed I had been more sleepy recently but, when I check my records, I noticed that this latest phase started when I decreased them. They were meant to have the opposite effect!


However, in good news, I have finished the first of my lace gloves. And 2.5mm is alright, so I don't have to redo it. This is quite quite convenient, because Get Knitted, my LYS, didn't have a 2.75mm hook!

No painkillers, and some Tai Chi

Yesterday, after a comment from Alex that maybe I was taking too many painkillers, I tried to tackle my migraine via natural remedies. So I drank lots of water, had some caffeine because I know I am addicted and my brain needs it, had herbal teas, used my migraine stick and played with the skull pressure points. What I normally do, but I did more of it, and without the help of painkillers to actually take the pain away.

Was I successful? It certainly dimmed the pain, but it was always there. I found that noises bothered me more than lights and the computer screen (which was good, because I still needed to work). I also felt fairly sad during most of the day. I know that the main reason for that was being told off when I was just trying to help, but being in pain couldn't have helped that.

I ended up just curling up in the sofa with knitting and a movie, Enchanted, and that cheered me up a little bit. And I am now half-way up the back of Sizzle, which is coming on very well, and very red.

Going to Tai Chi did make me feel a lot better. It lifted me, and it also made me the good kind of tired. I have noticed that I better at my Tai Chi classes the more depressed I am when I go. Being down makes me concentrate on the movements, and it makes me push through the pain (ok, to enjoy the pain, fine), and reach a bit further, hold my back a bit straighter, hold the positions a bit longer.
However, half way through concentrating on the pain because I am down, I change to concentrating to hold the position, and then I forget that I am low, and just feel the Tai Chi. And the water; I see water everywhere when I'm in class.

So I think this Tai Chi is helping. If only, it lifted my mood yesterday. It also helped to make me tired, and then I had the first half-decent night of sleep in several weeks. Sure, I am still tired, but not as much. It feels niiiiiiiiiice.

Bamboo in the fridge

Waking up at 6 on Monday and 6.30 on Tuesday has not been good for me. I was completely wrecked yesterday evening, although I'm glad I managed to go to Tai Chi, I was "better tired" after it. I was talking nonsense, and I nearly put the half-used can of bamboo shoots in the draw, rather than the fridge.
I've also had to tone down the brightness and the colour intensity of my monitor, as reading documents with a white background is very tiring on my eyes. And everything is kind of hazy anyway.

However, I am going to the Spa tomorrow. I am finally going as my birthday present, and I'll get a shoulders and neck massage, a facial treatment, and a couple of hours in the nice water. I have the day off from work, and I think doing that will (hopefully) relax me, catch up on my beauty, and generally make me feel happy and better. Alex is awesome.

Sleep is good

Sometimes I don't know whether to be angry, or sad, or somehow amused, about some of the things my co-workers say.
I was talking to one of them about being tired, and I mentioned that I normally went to bed about 11 (and I should go earlier, really), because I was just too tired, and his reaction was "oooh, you are so lucky, I wish I could do that".
When I enquired further, he said that he went to bed late because he ended up doing other things, like playing in a band, going to the cinema or to meet with people, etc. Yeah, well. It's not so much luck any more.
I need that sleep, so I have to choose not to do those things, and come home and go to bed. I get unbearable when I don't get enough sleep. It's an active choice. There are other reasons why sometimes I don't want to do things with people, but I nearly always have to say no to things that will get me home late, especially during the week, like film viewings that start at 9. Most people can handle well a day of little sleep; I handle them awfully, and my depression flares up when tired.
So not really that lucky.

Still don't sleep well, though. At least I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, so I can mention my sleep problems again to him.

It all reminds me of I need some sleep, by The Eels, as featured in Shrek 2.

I read and I dream

I know, I have been rather quiet lately. I have had a couple of rough days, and not a lot of knitting done (although that is purely to blame on The Chronicles of Amber; it is a huge book, so I can't carry both my knitting and my book with me in my bag, and at the moment the book is winning). Some mildly interesting things have happened, though.

I bought the book Sensual Knits, which arrived on Tuesday on the mail. I really like it. I would like to make so many projects out of it (nearly all of them!), but I think I have narrowed down my choice to 2: the Sayuri (a kimono-style jumper) and the camisole and cardi set (all Rav links). They both look beautiful. I am thinking of making the camisole and cardi in some pretty grey, to give it that air of immortality and make it a classic I can wear to work until I wear the threads thin. I am not sure what colour to make the kimono, though. I like the blue of the default picture in the book, but maybe I should be more adventurous with my choices of colour (says the person with the bright green tee and the orange cardi).

Tomorrow my new computer will be delivered to me. I still have not thought of a name for it, but lately the name of Steven/Stephen is starting to ring in my head. It just feels a bit too boring, next to Sherlock, Spudtrooper and Lazarus. I need something with a bit more of an exotic ring to it.



I had a dream last night, as every night. I dream a lot, especially now, and this is a prime example of my dreams. I don't always remember them, especially in any kind of order; I remember "blocks", but when I try to put them together the dreams get mixed up, especially with dreams that happened in the same places. But I remember this one in order, so I thought I'd give you a piece what happens in my brain.
This dream involved being in the aftermath of some generic Armageddon/apocalypse/nuclear war type thing. "We" needed to go inside a high-school-AND-military building (a concrete block), to get something important. This "something" turned out to be the cutest baby pig (pink with some black spots), which farted fluorine. It ran away and we chased it. Then the feds/CIA/generic men-in-black arrived, and chased us and the pig (I think they wanted the pig, I seem to remember that it was useful in our barren wasteland of an Earth) through rooms full of white gas (fluorine from the pig). Then? Then it got weird.
The building got locked and one of the men in black turned into a psychopath and proceeded to chase us one by one. We spent many years in that building, chased by this psychopath. Not so much running and trying to outwit him. He had found a way to suck the life from people and pass it to others (make them younger, amongst other uses) and to transplant animal skin onto people. Also, let me tell you that crawling atop magazines stored vertically is remarkably difficult to do silently.
After many years, my original, pig-chasing group teamed up with the feds, and we tricked the psychopath and run to the building exit. Only I took the wrong turn and ended up in the lair of the psychopath. Oops. He wasn't there, but his family was. Did you know he had a family? It was weird. The dream then kind of merged into another, which involved metal and bars, but the locked-building is what I can remember.
This is how my mind dreams, all night long. Every. Single. Night. It gets boring after a while

Will post tomorrow from my new computer!

Tea corner

I have not been feeling very well today. I was a bit down on Friday, then well yesterday, now ill today. It is mostly physical, at least, so I can work on it with painkillers and warmth, and it gets a bit better.

I am at the moment sipping one of my nice teas. Tea always makes me feel better, and this tea is very nice. At the moment I have a tea that is in between green and black. That is, it is only partly fermented, and it tastes very nice.
I have in my kitchen a dedicated tea and coffee corner, so I know where everything is, and can fix myself something warm in no time.

I keep having sleep problems, so I might decrease my anxiety medication further. Despite keeping me a bit calm, it gives me a very interesting and vivid array of non-stop dreams every night, which means my sleep is never deep enough, and I don't rest well, which then in turn makes me feel more depressed, etc. It's so frustrating! I am due at the doctor's soon, so I might wait and talk to him, despite having explicit control over the meds.

In knitting news, the Green Tea has already 2 of the 6-7 balls of yarn knitted into it, and I'm very close to closing for the armpits and continuing with the body (would have done it yesterday, but decided to try it on and realised I need to knit a couple more rows before that).

Stitch'n'Bitch

Yesterday was a S'n'B Sunday.
Once more, I barely didn't make it, but I got myself out of the house, and went. I arrived a while earlier, as I always do. I just like being able to be the first person and have other people approach me, rather than me having to go up to a group. I was starting to lose hope, but two girls turned up at quarter past, about 2 minutes from each other. Johanna turned up a while later, and then one more girl. 120 (5!)
I don't think I can remember everybody's names, though, which is a pity. So we knitted (a balaklava, two fetchings, a jumper and my top), and talked, and had nice tea and coffee. It was really pleasant. One of the women told us about her son's accident, and we talked about flats and homes, and knitting techniques, and spinning. I felt this strange bond throught the knitting to these completely random women, and they were suddenly not stranger, but comrades in needles. I enjoyed that.
To top it all off, I managed to finish the body of Tomato.
I finally got to try it on, and discovered it fits. They said it looked really nice. I started the neck ribbing when I got home, and that's almost done as well. It shouldn't take too long, although that will clearly depend on how much time I have to knit this week.

Today, due to a weekend of not good sleep and horrible headaches, Cristina is really sleepy, so she'd like to share her sleepy kitten with everybody: