Two steps forward, one step back

Two steps forward

Finished off the first of my Bluerose socks, complete with anatomically correct toes.

Bound off the top of Elena's Ice Queen. Once I actually read the instructions properly, it was all much easier.

One step back

This weekend, I discovered that Demeter was not as finished as I thought. That centre split for the neckline is not centred, so there is some unravelling to do. I don't yet know what happened: current options are me messing up the counting or choosing the number for the wrong size (or something excitingly different).

Two steps forward

I have two specialist referrals to deal with my tiredness problems.

I have new meds to try. They may not work, but at least I'm doing something rather than waiting for the appointments to materialise themselves.

One step back

Anxiety is creeping back, and it just makes everything more difficult. The tiredness doesn't help it, and everything has the potential to overwhelm.

At least I'm still ahead on the game!

One email, one stitch at a time

I have a bestest friend, whom I really love, and I think she is great: E.

I have not talked to her in a very long time, because I get anxious every time I try to email her. I get so anxious that I postpone it, and then it's been so long that I think she must be angry at me and that makes me more anxious, and I postpone it. You see where this is going.

Today is E's birthday, and I have finally written to her. It's not a very coherent email, because I'm never very coherent when I'm doing something that scares me, as irrational as that fear might be. I hate it when my illnesses get the better of me so today, armed with the excuse of her birthday, I finally gathered the courage.

I am also making her a lacy mohair and silk scarf in one of her colours, and I have let her know that in the email. It's the only thing I can do. Despite my panic, I know that she forgives me (in fact, she is probably more worried than upset at me), but I need to come to terms with this as well. So I will knit her the scarf, and put in each stitch all the love I have for her, and how much I want that bond to reunite again. A scarf like a bridge to get us together again, even if we've probably never left each other.

I am very lucky to have her friendship, that spans time and place without regards for them, and I would hate to lose that. So I overcome my fears for her, and knit the bridge scarf. One email, one stitch at a time.

Sleep is good

Sometimes I don't know whether to be angry, or sad, or somehow amused, about some of the things my co-workers say.
I was talking to one of them about being tired, and I mentioned that I normally went to bed about 11 (and I should go earlier, really), because I was just too tired, and his reaction was "oooh, you are so lucky, I wish I could do that".
When I enquired further, he said that he went to bed late because he ended up doing other things, like playing in a band, going to the cinema or to meet with people, etc. Yeah, well. It's not so much luck any more.
I need that sleep, so I have to choose not to do those things, and come home and go to bed. I get unbearable when I don't get enough sleep. It's an active choice. There are other reasons why sometimes I don't want to do things with people, but I nearly always have to say no to things that will get me home late, especially during the week, like film viewings that start at 9. Most people can handle well a day of little sleep; I handle them awfully, and my depression flares up when tired.
So not really that lucky.

Still don't sleep well, though. At least I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, so I can mention my sleep problems again to him.

It all reminds me of I need some sleep, by The Eels, as featured in Shrek 2.

Presentations :(

I was going to write a post about having gone to see my family this weekend, which is the main reason I haven't answered any comments, and I'm sorry for that (I didn't want to leave my blog's address in the family computer). However, I'm going to interrupt the normal ramblings of this blog to report on the current crisis:

The company I've been collaborating with has just told me that they are expecting me to give a joint presentation at the European Space Agency on the software I was working on a while back. When I mentioned to my boss here that I didn't know I had to, and that I really didn't want to do it, the opted for the joking way out, saying "oh, don't panic, it'll only be representing the company in front of investors, just people at ESA who know what they are doing, no pressure". While that might work for other people, it doesn't for me, although I don't think he knows that. People around me are trying to make me feel better, telling me that they don't like presentations either, but I don't think they mean it the way I do.

I don't want to give a presentation, I'm not sure I can. Just knowing about it now has accelerated my entire body, and the panic will only increase as the date gets closer. I don't want to stop sleeping and eating a couple of days before the presentation because I am too anxious and my body refuses to rest or get any food. Having to do this will affect all my work output in other areas, make my home life more tense, and possibly making me physically ill on the presentation day.

I have finally emailed the other company back asking them what is the extent of my contribution, and hopefully they will answer back saying that none. I need to hold on to the thought that things end up better than I fear.

Edit: And I posted this too early, so now the title is messed up :( Things like that upset me.