Wednesday, 12 December 2007

And today something kicks.

Well, I think it is more panic than depression. Lately I have been very scared of things. I have been dealing with the depression side of my problems, and that had gotten better, but I have left the anxiety unchecked and I think that is now coming back to bite me. It has sharp teeth.
I have finally booked a doctor's appointment for next week, Tuesday, to check how my decreasing of meds is going, so I can talk to him/her about it.
I think I'd like to go steady on the decrease for a bit, because I'm feeling more fragile (even if the sleepy part has subsided), but I don't want to start decreasing the propanolol. And I want some therapy again.
I stopped therapy when I moved to the Netherlands for my final year project. Not because I moved: I still tried to go to therapy there. But the only person I had access to that didn't require me to sell a kidney was not very nice at all. He made me cry, but not the good, relieving, I'm-getting-things-out kind of cry, but the hurtful kind of cry, so I stopped seeing him. I did stabilise and improved on my own, which I now realise was probably very lucky, and I got better.
But I don't think I have got better for a while, just been stuck in 'well', without being normal. Last week I had to give a presentation at work about said final year project. Now this is a topic I had been working with for 4 years, can talk about it a great length, and it was a presentation I had already done and passed very successfully. But I panic and froze ahead. I refused to think about it, try to cancel it the working day before, didn't look at whether I still had the presentation until the day before, and only looked at the actual presentation a couple hours before. Spend the day before (Sunday) knitting franticaly just to control the fear that came every time I sat on the computer.
I think that is is. Fear. For some reason, my panic has evolved into fear, and I'm not terribly sure why or how.
So I really should get on with things, open my therapy book (Mind over mood), and get some actual therapy. But it is difficult.

I'll try this Sunday. I'll go to the pool and paddle about for a bit, and then I'll come back home and sit with a nice non-alcoholic drink and some food and have a look at it. I'll get Dragon and Monkey with me, and they'll protect me.
It's going to be ok, I promise.

Oh, but I have finished Fetchings!

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