Not that book, but those ones

I have been looking for a particular book, The Mote in God's Eye, for quite a while. None of the Bristol bookshops had it, and Amazon had it only for delivery in 1 or 2 weeks (it was only available in the continent somewhere). However, while those weeks happened, the book went out of stock. I can't have my book. But look what I got instead!

The Best of Interweave Knits
I want to make (at least) the Icarus Shawl, Union Square Market Pullover, Simply Marilyn and Burma Rings.



Cute Stuff, by Aranzi Aronzo
Someone had it at my S'n'B, and was making felt monkeys, and I thought I must have it. It is also, as advertised, full of cute stuff.



The Noonday Demon, by Andrew Solomon
Less happy, but I've heard very good things about this book. Hopefully it will help me shake the leftovers out.

Now, does anybody know where I can find The Mote in God's Eye? I will check out London bookstores next time I'm around, but I don't have a lot of hope, suddenly.

It's the small things in life

The best thing about quitting your main antidepressant is that you can drink black coffee again without triggering a migraine! This is so much better.

Being out of the (nasty) withdrawal period, and not having had any mood changes due to the stopping are also nice, but I missed my black coffee! :)

The turkey and the zaps

Today, my body has been cleared from Sertraline for two weeks. Sertraline takes about two weeks to have some effect in an ill person so, despite having a rather short half-life, it makes some sense that the withdrawal side-effects would take about two weeks to wear off. They can stop any time now.
Technically, it's not withdrawal, but a discontinuation syndrome. Antidepressants do create a dependency, but they are not addictive: patients on them, while they need them to function, will not go down drug-seeking behaviours, and this makes a different (for example, in lab experiments, animals given the option will not increase their dose as they do with other addictive drugs).

The discontinuation has not affected my mood, which is a huge success. My best friend was incredibly proud of me when I told him that I had stopped them, and talked about how far I had come from the bad time.

The main problem I have had with the discontinuation have been the brain zaps, which feel like a static shock (I like this description of the zaps (4th paragraph)).
It took a couple of days for them to get started, which made me foolishly believe that I had escaped them. They reached their worse last week, about a week after I had stopped (which makes sense in the two-week theory), when I had to go home from work because I couldn't handle it any more, and they made my left eye see blue. I kid you not, my sofa was green when looked from my left eye instead of brown, and the pale cushions were blue. No awesome 3D effects, though.

At the moment the brain zaps are finally in remission: most of my morning are now free of zaps, and they only appear in the afternoon, as I get more tired. They normally get triggered by things like changing positions (like from standing to sitting down), when I change directions (turning corners is suddenly very difficult) and when I look at things that are at different distances (I've been looking at the floor while walking because it's always at a constant distance). They get worse the more tired I get.

And this is my cold-turkey experience. Dizziness that is still present, but no mood change. I guess is not so bad, but I would like if the zaps stopped, and if it also brought my incredibly vivid and realistic dreams to a halt. And a pony :)

Cold turkey

I have been taking sertraline for 2 1/2 years now. Funny enough, I have spent 1 1/2 of those years trying to stop taking it! The first decrease program my doctor and I devised (which would have taken me from 50mg/day to none in 2 months), proved too much for my brain. After about a year, I managed to go down to 25mg, which is an incredibly small dose.

Last time I tried to stop taking it, I went for 25-25-0. However, my body decided to interpret this as me forgetting my meds, and went on withdrawal. I would then give it meds for two more days, so it wasn't getting used to no meds.

I'm going to try again. However, I have explicit permission from my doctor to go cold turkey. Because it is such a small dose, quitting cold turkey shouldn't fry my brain, and hopefully this way I can get through the withdrawal phase in one go, rather than starting and stopping. My doctor has arranged a phone consultation for next week, so we can discuss how I'm doing. I will still be taking the other antidepressant at night, which I also want to stop, but I'm only going to change one variable at a time.

My apologies if I am a bit weird(er) on the next bunch of days. I expect that they will be exciting times for me, but I hope they are not exciting for those around me.

Depression and Control Theory, part 1

For a while now I have been thinking about explaining depressive behaviour using control theory. I only have a rough idea for now, and it will never be a very good model, but I think it can help me explain what I go through. Given that most of my friends are scientists or engineers, it will give them better understanding than me just saying "but I can't".

However, because not all of my readers are, and to help myself along, I'm going to start by talking about control theory. This is mainly so the idea is out, rather than just bouncing in my head, and that will mean I have an extra motivation to keep thinking about it.


Everybody ready? No need for those calculators, don't worry. If you know about the basics of control theory, you can skip this, or you can keep reading and point out my glaring mistakes :)

Control theory is all about achieving a desired output. So you have a control "box" that takes an input, processes it, and spews an output. That is, however, very unexciting. The cool bit is feedback, so that, for your next input, the previous output is also an input. The output of your system plays a role. Let's say you are driving: you step on the accelerator to go faster. However, the faster you go, the harder you have to push to go any faster, because the state your output is in (your speed) also affects the input (the force on the accelerator).

Everybody still with me?

This feedback is very important, and can be of two types: positive feedback or negative feedback. Don't get lured by what positive and negative feedback mean in normal life. In this context, if applies to whether they are added or subtracted.

A positive feedback loop amplifies the effect of your input, while a negative feedback loop dampens the effect of your input to a stable state.
For example, imagine a Trivial Pursuit drinking game. If you are playing with a positive feedback mechanism, you drink every time you get a question wrong. The more you drink, the more likely you are go get a question wrong, which leads you to drink more, etc. The effects of the input stack, and you end up in hospital.
However, if you are playing with negative feedback, you drink every time you get a question right. So you'll be drinking more at the beginning, but as you drink, you get more questions wrong, which doesn't make you drink more, and thus kind of slows down your drinking rate as you get drunker. This doesn't lead to alcohol poisoning, which is a Good Thing.

Negative feedback mechanisms are what are used in control theory, because you can get your system into a stable state. A positive feedback look will get the system out of control, and we don't want that.


People that knew about Control Theory can join us again now.

My idea is that the brain functions in a negative feedback loop. You get sad for whatever reason, but after a while your brain processes that, and you go back to your normal state. However, a depressed brain has changed to be in a positive feedback loop. You get a bit sad for whatever reason and your brain amplifies that, and can't bring you back to your normal state.

Duh, I can hear you say, we *knew* that! But I don't want to just know that, I want to detail it more. I want to model it. I want to add switches to filter the happy thoughts when depressed, and how different contributions modify the control mechanism. I want to model normal brains and see how the structure of the control loop differs from that of a depressed brain.

Of course, this has no actual use beyond explaining how my brain works, and it might not even be transferable to other brains, but I like it. If I can cajole my depression into an engineering model, it will make me feel closer to understand it. If I can obsess about the modelling instead of the depression, it will distract me with it. It appeals to my engineering mind to deal with it in this way, as I can't seem to make any sense of the emotions I feel, or why.


Feel free to tell me that I'm completely insane (now it's Zoidberg's turn to say duh!). I probably won't work on this very often, or very seriously, but it is a nice little project to have, and it might help to explain depressive behaviour to other people. Suggestions, comments, yarn welcomed!

One email, one stitch at a time

I have a bestest friend, whom I really love, and I think she is great: E.

I have not talked to her in a very long time, because I get anxious every time I try to email her. I get so anxious that I postpone it, and then it's been so long that I think she must be angry at me and that makes me more anxious, and I postpone it. You see where this is going.

Today is E's birthday, and I have finally written to her. It's not a very coherent email, because I'm never very coherent when I'm doing something that scares me, as irrational as that fear might be. I hate it when my illnesses get the better of me so today, armed with the excuse of her birthday, I finally gathered the courage.

I am also making her a lacy mohair and silk scarf in one of her colours, and I have let her know that in the email. It's the only thing I can do. Despite my panic, I know that she forgives me (in fact, she is probably more worried than upset at me), but I need to come to terms with this as well. So I will knit her the scarf, and put in each stitch all the love I have for her, and how much I want that bond to reunite again. A scarf like a bridge to get us together again, even if we've probably never left each other.

I am very lucky to have her friendship, that spans time and place without regards for them, and I would hate to lose that. So I overcome my fears for her, and knit the bridge scarf. One email, one stitch at a time.

Normal?

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Jean Kerr

normal  /ˈnɔrməl/ –adjective
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.


I often express my desire to be normal. This mostly comes up when I'm having a bad day due to depression, anxiety, fatigue, migraines, or, in particularly fun days, any or all of the above.

What I probably mean is healthy. If at any other time you ask me if I'm normal, my standard response would be "hell no!". I am at least eccentric, and that's only because it sounds better than "bat-shit crazy" :) My personality is a bit weird in the non-main stream sense, and at least once a week my area of the office falls silent while my co-workers stare at me like I've sprouted a second head. Normally this is because of something I've said, quickly followed by "how do you know this things?". Because it's a thing, and I like knowing!
Anyway, I am not normal when it comes to my hobbies, personality and what I know, say, and do. Or at least some people's bewilderness would make me think so.

But I've not been healthy for most of my life either. I've spent most of it taking anti-allergy meds, including one of the longest injections courses my doctor had ever seen, but I still considered myself normal, even if I wasn't completely healthy. Having to rely on that medication didn't make me feel inadequate and broken, while having to rely on anti-depressants does. Similarly, my father has to take pills for his cholesterol and, while he is also mad, that doesn't make him not normal in that respect. So having an illness or having to rely on medication does not necessarily make us weird.

Once I was complaining to my doctor that I needed to plan things so hard, because I couldn't, say, both go shopping and spend time with Alex: it was one or the other and I didn't have enough energy to do both. And my doctor said that that was normal. That people, especially once they have kids, find themselves all the time in those situations, and have to plan and are exhausted a lot. However, if that is true, I really don't want to be normal.

I think what I mean by "normal" is that I want to be healthy at least to the point that my illnesses don't interfere most days with my life, and I want to be happy. But I don't think I want to be completely normal. I'm pretty sure normal people leave completely boring lives.

Slightly mad

I think I'm going slightly mad(der).

Decreasing the meds is giving me brain zaps. It seems that my brain just wants the damn serotonin, but I don't know what else I can do: even with the lowest possible dose, if I don't take it one day, it complains!
Possibly related, I had such a bad night of sleep Sunday night that I didn't make it to work on Monday. Spent most of the day like a zombie (braaaains), knitting plain stockinette (and now my Healing Cardi has nearly 1 sleeve!).

I've also stopped wanting to go to Tai Chi, although that is from before I started the med reduction. It's fine once I'm there, but at the moment it's cold and grim and dark outside, and I just don't have the energy to go there (although I would love it if I could teleport there).

On the good side, I've just ordered way too many pounds of yarn, some worsted weight in bright colours to make amigurumi and some beautiful light chocolate laceweight silk for a shawl. I've only made basic lace before, so of course the right thing to do is get very lovely, very think silk and dive to the deep end, right?

Memo to self

Never never never try to start a project when you are feeling down, unless you had selected pattern, yarn and needles when you were feeling well; even then, be weary.

I spent several hours yesterday obsessing over sock patterns, and gauge, and starting several times different socks, both casting on and just marking them as projects in Ravelry. It wasn’t working.
Today, a brief web check and a simple math calculation afterwards, I know I have to unravel the 3 rows of ribbing I managed yesterday and start again, but I know exactly the sock I want, the pattern and needles, and can work on it straight away. Cristina, let this be a lesson to yourself.

Tachikoma and light lamp!

Alex got me a Tachikoma! On the same day, my full spectrum light arrived (yesterday). Was best day.

No painkillers, and some Tai Chi

Yesterday, after a comment from Alex that maybe I was taking too many painkillers, I tried to tackle my migraine via natural remedies. So I drank lots of water, had some caffeine because I know I am addicted and my brain needs it, had herbal teas, used my migraine stick and played with the skull pressure points. What I normally do, but I did more of it, and without the help of painkillers to actually take the pain away.

Was I successful? It certainly dimmed the pain, but it was always there. I found that noises bothered me more than lights and the computer screen (which was good, because I still needed to work). I also felt fairly sad during most of the day. I know that the main reason for that was being told off when I was just trying to help, but being in pain couldn't have helped that.

I ended up just curling up in the sofa with knitting and a movie, Enchanted, and that cheered me up a little bit. And I am now half-way up the back of Sizzle, which is coming on very well, and very red.

Going to Tai Chi did make me feel a lot better. It lifted me, and it also made me the good kind of tired. I have noticed that I better at my Tai Chi classes the more depressed I am when I go. Being down makes me concentrate on the movements, and it makes me push through the pain (ok, to enjoy the pain, fine), and reach a bit further, hold my back a bit straighter, hold the positions a bit longer.
However, half way through concentrating on the pain because I am down, I change to concentrating to hold the position, and then I forget that I am low, and just feel the Tai Chi. And the water; I see water everywhere when I'm in class.

So I think this Tai Chi is helping. If only, it lifted my mood yesterday. It also helped to make me tired, and then I had the first half-decent night of sleep in several weeks. Sure, I am still tired, but not as much. It feels niiiiiiiiiice.

Sleep is good

Sometimes I don't know whether to be angry, or sad, or somehow amused, about some of the things my co-workers say.
I was talking to one of them about being tired, and I mentioned that I normally went to bed about 11 (and I should go earlier, really), because I was just too tired, and his reaction was "oooh, you are so lucky, I wish I could do that".
When I enquired further, he said that he went to bed late because he ended up doing other things, like playing in a band, going to the cinema or to meet with people, etc. Yeah, well. It's not so much luck any more.
I need that sleep, so I have to choose not to do those things, and come home and go to bed. I get unbearable when I don't get enough sleep. It's an active choice. There are other reasons why sometimes I don't want to do things with people, but I nearly always have to say no to things that will get me home late, especially during the week, like film viewings that start at 9. Most people can handle well a day of little sleep; I handle them awfully, and my depression flares up when tired.
So not really that lucky.

Still don't sleep well, though. At least I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, so I can mention my sleep problems again to him.

It all reminds me of I need some sleep, by The Eels, as featured in Shrek 2.

Slow changes of temperature

Many animals, including human beings, cannot recognise slow increases in temperature, only big differences. This is why you put live frogs in cold water, and heat them up slowly. In theory, you could boil a person alive, and kill them before they noticed what was going on. The key is to do it slowly.

Macabre as that is, it is easy to understand how it works. I experiment an analogous process many of the times I have a relapse into bad depression. I barely rarely notice when the downward spiral happens if it is subtle. Sometimes it is blatant: something upsets me, or reminds me of something else, and I start rumiating and unintentionally bring myself down. But it is not always that obvious. Sometimes, well, it just kind of happens. What sets me off is so tiny I don't even register, and the downwards path is so gentle that I only notice it when I'm already down, and then I do not have the strength to get up. The depression slowly boils me alive, and I only notice it at the end.

Anyway, this is how I'm feeling at the moment. It occurred to me to link it to the boiling alive situation, and thought I would write it down, in the hope that it will help someone (maybe to understand what a loved one is going through, maybe to be able to explain what is happening to them). I hope it does.

Yesterday I was sociable

Yesterday I was sociable! *round of applause*

One of my coworkers had a movie night. When she emailed us about it, I replied saying that I might go, but I had a doctor's appointment on the day, so it would depend on how I felt. She then looked for me, and said that she understood, but it was going to be a quiet evening anyway, and she would be really happy if I could make it. Somebody actually requested my presence! Atiya is really nice. So I went, because people actually wanted me there, and they not always do.

Most of my interactions with friends are dominated and hindered by guilt. Guilt because I'm not a good friend, because I haven't talked to them in ages, because I'm ill. On the other hand, most of my interactions with acquaintances are dominated and hindered by anxiety. Anxiety and panic because I don't know what to talk about with them, because I feel that being ill will spoil the party, because I fear they won't like me and then be nasty to me.
However, because my acquaintances are here, and my friends live further away, I end up interacting with them more than with my good friends, which makes me feel even more guilty.

This is just to get you into context. I spend yesterday very nervous, as my lack of nails can testify, and stammering when I had to say anything that involved any thinking, but at least it wasn't as bad as when I tried to go bowling. I think I just felt much safer because it was somebody else's house, and Atiya is very nice, and has managed to pick up what my "chemical brain imbalance" is, and won't press on it.

The evening itself was alright. The plan was to start watching a movie at about 7, and order food during, but it didn't happened. And plans that don't happen make me nervous. People arrived late, so we talked, and then a Bollywood movie happened to kill some time. I really disliked the main character, as he looked just like an oversize Ken doll, without shoulders. We got food in the end, but it was all very disjointed and not the plan, so I knew rather early on that I would not get to watch the planned movie.
I mean, it wasn't too bad, it was nice to hang around with people, but it wasn't amazing. I had an ok time. I was sitting in a corner quietly for most of the time, petting some of my yarn, but it was not hiding-quiet, just simply quiet in the company of others, so it's a better thing.

I started to make my move out about 9.30, so I could get the 10.00 bus, and be home at 10.30. I think the worst part of the evening was having to explain to people that I needed to go home. That I get really ill if I don't get a full night sleep.
I can stay up late, and I can do "active" things, but they need preparation. I need to have quiet days the previous two days, and then sleep lots and vegetate the next day to recover all the energy spent in being social. However, most people just don't understand this, because socialising comes natural to them. I can only do so much every day (if I go to work, I can normally do only one more "big" thing, like shopping, or cleaning, or sex, and I have to organise stuff accordingly), and I truly needed to go home to sleep, regardless whether it was "just this once".
I don't want to go upfront "look, I have depression, I can't do this", but if I go around it people don't understand, and it is frustrating.

Despite getting home on time, I didn't have the extra rest to compensate for the active, so I feel incredibly hazy today. I spend 5 minutes earlier in the toilet completely zoned out, and I can barely hold my concentration, even when not working. Monday is a bank holiday, so at least I have three days to recover, and there isn't anything else planned for a while. I hope it will get easier with time, and that it will help me regain contact with my friends. I miss them, but I panic, and I feel really guilty. I guess even if not what I'd like to do, everything is a small step forwards.

[[Knitting post this weekend]]

Further decreases

Tomorrow I am going to decrease the dose of my anxiety medication (80 mg/day of propanolol hydrochloride, a beta-blocker). My anxiety is what is most unchecked at the moment, but I have a good reason to decrease it now (I should add that control over my med changes was explicitely passed on to me by my doctor).
My doctor told me last time that one of the side effects of propanolol is vivid dreams/nightmares. My dreams are normally rather vivid, but lately (maybe the last 3 or so months) they've been really intense, and lasting the entire night. Let me tell you, living a double life at night is rather tiring!

I am a bit worried about this, as I don't want to go down again with multiple panic attacks a day. I have now 40 mg pills, so I can alternate 80-80-40, as I started with the sertraline. This does not seem a too harsh decrease, so hopefully my body will be able to cope with it.
Decreasing the dose might also increase the migraines. I got them initially treated with beta-blockers as well, and I worry that after so long on them again, my brain is used to them and will produce pain again for no reason. However, the risk of increasing panic and migraines will hopefully be counterbalanced with better nights of sleep.
Better nights of sleep allow me to be more relaxed and less depressed, which can only be a good thing. Better sleep will also let me have more energy, which is something I'm rather looking for at the moment. It is a bit of a shame to spend most evenings exhausted and wanting to go to sleep since 7, and it is very frustrating. Sometimes that makes me angry, but sometimes it just makes me more depressed.
I do hope it will all go alright. At least the sun is shining and I have got my code to work a bit.

Sometimes I am grateful for my depression. Weird, I know.

Sometimes I am grateful that I had my breakdown when I did, and that I went horribly depressed for a while.

There are multiple reasons why I had my breakdown when I did (16th August 2006), and I think I might have had some depression before then,but one of the long term causes was that I am a workaholic and a perfectionist.
My breakdown forced me to look at my life and think about it. Think why my body and my mind have given up and decided that if I wasn't going to give myself a break, they were bloody going to take one. It was a hard task to face the life-style choices that were, well, not exactly wrong, but not exactly right either. I had no work-life balance. I had work, and then I relied on people to occasionally get me out of it. When they didn't, I worked. I wouldn't even notice I was hungry or needed the loo.

I take much more care of myself now, and have reached a work-life balance. To be fair, this is helped by the fact that now I don't have to go to lectures, and then study/do coursework when I get home, so I can separate work from home. But I do have more hobbies now (yey knitting), and take more pleasure in doing other things.
Part of it is, I know, that I am not at full capacity. So, even if I wanted to concentrate so much that I didn't notice I was hungry/needed the loo, my brain can't physically do it. It's still too weak for it. But now I know (and knowing is half the battle). So even when I regain fully my capabilities, I will keep taking care, and use that capacity partly for work, and partly for fun.
I have the feeling that I will be all my life watching for it; I know I have a tendency to depression, anxiety and workaholism, so I will have to be careful, always. However, that is a small price to pay to not be ill.

Depression sucks, but it will in the long run help me reach a better way of life. It also got to me early in my life enough that I could still do something about it, I could still change. It sucked having to learn all this the hard way, but at least now it's learned (mostly), and hopefully I will not have to this again.

Meds adjustment

I went to the doctor today for a check-up. My doctor is really nice, and understand what I'm going through. He said today that I looked a lot better since he first met me, and that I was even smiling!
And I do feel better. After many months of feeling completely stagnant, I feel as in the last handful of months I have started to get better. Slowly, and with its ups and downs, but the general trend seems to be up.
He thinks I'm ready to decrease my meds further. In a month's time I will decrease my sertraline (zoloft) from 50mg-25mg on alternate days, to 50-25-25. It has to be done very slowly or I get brain zaps and very sleepy.
I am also geting my propanolol in 2x40mg pills, rather than one 80mg pill, so if I feel well I can try reducing it a bit. He thinks that a reduction might help with feeling tired all the time, as a side effect of propanolol is vivid dreams, which I am having. I have always had vivid dreams, but now they last all night. I feel as if I've been working all night, and they are not letting me rest properly.
Hopefully the spring will make me feel a bit better as well. Sunshine always helps.

Meds, counterclockwise from top: 1000mg flaxseed oil (veggie equivalent to fish oil, which made me feel nasty), 25mg sertraline, 80mg propanolol.

As Edward Monkton says, We must take our tablets or else we'll go mad. I love this card. I found it after I starting taking meds, and it is one of my favourites ever!
See it here in handy little animated icon, made by me:


OK, I think I'm done editing now. *whistles away*

On working and enjoying it

I used to be a workaholic. It was a problem, and was causing me to have a mild depression back in the day (ironically, when I tried to stop being one was when I had my breakdown and went severely depressed, but that's another story and has more factors into it).
Changing from a workaholic to a more normal person has been a long process, paired with picking up new hobbies (knitting, mainly) and learning to relax. I don't think I am one now, although I know that it might be something that I need to watch out for all my life. It might possibly ran in the family (both sides), and it's a "good" escape technique, so I'll have to fight it. But I know that, so I'll watch out for it and it'll always be alright in the end.

However, I have just noticed today how much work influences my mood, even now that I'm not obsessed with it.
I had been doing for the last couple of weeks some coding. Fairly mindless code, to be honest, but still moderately entertaining, allowing me to listen to music and podcasts at the same time (the other code I enjoy is the difficult thinking code, and my bosses have decided that I should do more of that, so I'll be starting something challenging after Easter). The code work that I can do has finished now, because people are ill (and are working on things I need) and away (and can't explain to me the next project step). I reluctantly started working on the end of the last project I was working it. It's only doing the last corrections to the final document, not more than a day's work at most, but I can't do it. It's so dull, the company that sent the stuff can't understand that their code is bad, the stuff has failed catastrophically, and it's just dull and boring and I don't want to do it. It's dragging me down. It's making me feel depressed. I can't just get on with it, and I know being down won't be staying here with the document, I will be taking that home :o(

And it's not even that I've been working on this for months without hope. I've been working on it for *checks clock* 3 hours. And I'm already down, wanting to go home. At least I know that I will never be able to work in something I don't enjoy. Not for any idealistic reason, but because I doubt my depression will let me. Which, if I keep being lucky enough to do something I like, I guess it's not so bad a thing: I will be working in something I truly enjoy :o)


PS.- The mitten blocking was very successful! Keep tuned for when I upload the pictures this evening, I don't have them at work with me :o)
Also, I really like the little smiley with the nose. It's making me happy :o)

Therapy

Two things in which my guilt was wrong, to remember:

• Elena was not upset for not having reached her in a while. I have to start the contacting process all over again with Alex, but she has still been trying to contact me, so she can't be too upset.
  
• The librarian wasn't upset that the books were a month late. She said that it was ok when I apologised, but that sadly I had to pay a fine (£12.60, but I'll gladly pay that in exchange for not being scolded). She was really nice about it, and she said that next time (I had told her that I had been ill and unable to get them back) I can just ring them, and they'll renew them for me without a problem. She was so nice!

Therapy was a bit difficult and cry-y this morning, but I feel better now. We talked about guilt, which is one of the key factors in my depression. However, I haven't been able to deal with it properly yet. Because it's so at the root, there are always other urgent things to deal with, and only now I am well enough not to have anything too urgent in the way.

You see, for normal people guilt is a mechanism to help them do things they should, and they only have it in moderate amounts, so it's a healthy guilt. My guilt, however, has gotten out of control. It paired up with an unrealistic expectation-acquiring monster, and both of them are having a blast in my brain. Me, I'm enjoying it a bit less than they are.
I cried, and was irrational, and talked childishly, which is what I do when I go down, and he didn't get upset, or hurt, or anything (actually, I think nothing short of holocaust can quench this man's cheerfulness and energy). He was indeed very proud of me because I haven't been doing the exercises he set me perfectly.

For next session, he wants to know all about how I started knitting. With details, diagrams, pictures, everything. I'm not entirely sure why he wants such a detailed plan, but maybe it's because he knows that it will keep me entertained for a while, doing things I seem to enjoy. I wonder what he will extract from it. I shall make a pretty diagram, with my colour pens, and possibly report here.

I'm only now starting to reach some normality after crying, I've been a bit dazed, but I think it's normal.


My jacket is going rather well, I've nearly reached the armpit. I'll buy today some more yarn to finish my Draconic mittens, and I will look into some cheap wool for felting for Alex's bag, as alpaca appears to be magic and can turn water into hair. And the some more hair again. And, after felting, it turns the air it touches into even more hair. And you can't even wash it to get rid of the hair, because it will turn it into more hair :)

Startitis

Not feeling very well, just a bit lonely and mainly overwelmed by the amount of housework that needs to be done (a weekend of dishes, 3 loads of laundry to iron and at least 3 more waiting to be washed). Hence the startitis, although I'm not sure how they are related. I guess I'm in dead-zone in all the rest of the projects (having to make up a pattern for the balaklava, having to start a mitten, having to pick again the jacket stitches, needing yarn for the dice bag).
It's not bad depression, just a bit blue in the air, so hopefully I'll feel better soon.
I should put on a jumper and another pair of socks, it's a bit cold in here.