Light conversion

As well as silly comments about my light box at work, several people have approached me to confirm that it is indeed a light box. Some of them, or someone they know, suffer from mild SAD too, and want to know whether it helps, and how it works, so they can look into it.
I doubt I will start a light box trend at work (I don't want to be trendy), but I like that people are willing to accept it, and do something about it!

FO: Code Monkey

Code Monkey get up get coffee
Code Monkey go to job

I am a code monkey. My co-workers are code monkeys (though the term became a lot more popular after I joined the company). We love Jonathan Coulton's Code Monkey song.

Crocheted Code Monkey came to work :)


He sit down pretend to work


Code Monkey has GIR background


Code monkey not alone (2!)


Code monkey is an amalgamation of the Monkey and the Corporate Zombie from Creepy Cute Crochet (amazon|ravelry), done with my trusty 3.5mm hook and some peaches and creme.

Code Monkey turns and leaves. Has tail.


Seriously, Code Monkey recommends Code Monkey song. Go watch.

It's cold!

I am upset at the moment. It's cold. Not actually cold, I was out earlier in short sleeves, but cold inside in the office, where I'm wearing a scarf, a cardigan, fingerless mitts and my big shawl, and I'm still cold.

I'm normally a warm person, but I sit right under the aircon. Everywhere else in the office is really warm, but I am right under the flow of cold air, which comes right past my back (with the added effect that my back mussels clench and hurt).
I don't know what to do any more. I've talk to people about it, and they acknowledge the fact that I am cold, and do try to take me into account, but they are very hot, and eventually it gets turned on. I've mentioned it to the bosses, and they said to talk to the guys to keep it off (but they are hot then, seems that we can't all be well).

I don't know what else I can do, but it's cold. I'm looking forward to winter, so the aircon is off and the heating on, and then I can be again feeling at a good temperature. I just wanted to rant, because it's cold. Being uncomfortable makes me upset, which doesn't let me work as well, and makes me feel useless.

I need a gazebo. Such an awesome word, gazebo. But yes, I can have a little gazebo above me to ward off the wind. One of the monsters in Munchkin is a gazebo. "You must face the gazebo alone!". "It doesn't do anything. It's a gazebo".

Presentations :(

I was going to write a post about having gone to see my family this weekend, which is the main reason I haven't answered any comments, and I'm sorry for that (I didn't want to leave my blog's address in the family computer). However, I'm going to interrupt the normal ramblings of this blog to report on the current crisis:

The company I've been collaborating with has just told me that they are expecting me to give a joint presentation at the European Space Agency on the software I was working on a while back. When I mentioned to my boss here that I didn't know I had to, and that I really didn't want to do it, the opted for the joking way out, saying "oh, don't panic, it'll only be representing the company in front of investors, just people at ESA who know what they are doing, no pressure". While that might work for other people, it doesn't for me, although I don't think he knows that. People around me are trying to make me feel better, telling me that they don't like presentations either, but I don't think they mean it the way I do.

I don't want to give a presentation, I'm not sure I can. Just knowing about it now has accelerated my entire body, and the panic will only increase as the date gets closer. I don't want to stop sleeping and eating a couple of days before the presentation because I am too anxious and my body refuses to rest or get any food. Having to do this will affect all my work output in other areas, make my home life more tense, and possibly making me physically ill on the presentation day.

I have finally emailed the other company back asking them what is the extent of my contribution, and hopefully they will answer back saying that none. I need to hold on to the thought that things end up better than I fear.

Edit: And I posted this too early, so now the title is messed up :( Things like that upset me.

The "big project" changes

I am very tired, and I probably look it. I don't sleep well, and today I had a really tiring day at work (there is a release today, so don't tell my boss I've been blogging!). Because I am just a code-monkey, I didn't need to work over the weekend, and instead got some knitting done.

I have started a t-shirt, Green Tea (pattern: Green Gable, by Zephir Style). It is, as the name indicates, rather green, and I think it is coming on quite well. I've already knitted to it the first of the 6 balls of yarn it needs (Rowan Luxury Cotton in cabbage green). I'm really looking forward to wearing this t-shirt. The original name of the project was going to be "Green Tee", but I kept misspelling Tee as Tea so many times, that I decided to change the name. I really like how it's turning, so you can have a picture of the front lace.

Don't click on it! The image only looks ok small, it's not terribly in focus!

The keen-eyed (or the stalkers) around you might have noticed that I only have one "big" project at a time, and I have started the Green Tea before I posted some pictures of the finished Healing Cardigan. It is, as you can see, still on its way (I've made a little bit more progress since this picture, but not a lot more).



The healing cardigan is currently in a concious break, and with actual reasons, I'm not just distracted by a new shiny (well, I am, but that's not the centre of the question).
I'm not very happy with how the fit it's turning up. I am having trouble getting the neckline to close and not be too wide and, most importantly, I think the sleeves are way too small. Despite the fact that my yarn is at the moment from different dye lots (long story), there is something at the back of my head which wants me to undo the top part, undo the sleeves, and knit them again, wider. I don't really want to do that, so I'm leaving it to rest for a couple of days to clear my head from it. As well as doing the little crochet eggs, I figured I could allow myself to start the next big project, especially as producing something successful will make me feel better.
And it is. I can feel the spring green coming from the knitting onto me. It looks like the fields, the only thing it's missing is daisies. Which I might have to knit soon.

Yesterday I was sociable

Yesterday I was sociable! *round of applause*

One of my coworkers had a movie night. When she emailed us about it, I replied saying that I might go, but I had a doctor's appointment on the day, so it would depend on how I felt. She then looked for me, and said that she understood, but it was going to be a quiet evening anyway, and she would be really happy if I could make it. Somebody actually requested my presence! Atiya is really nice. So I went, because people actually wanted me there, and they not always do.

Most of my interactions with friends are dominated and hindered by guilt. Guilt because I'm not a good friend, because I haven't talked to them in ages, because I'm ill. On the other hand, most of my interactions with acquaintances are dominated and hindered by anxiety. Anxiety and panic because I don't know what to talk about with them, because I feel that being ill will spoil the party, because I fear they won't like me and then be nasty to me.
However, because my acquaintances are here, and my friends live further away, I end up interacting with them more than with my good friends, which makes me feel even more guilty.

This is just to get you into context. I spend yesterday very nervous, as my lack of nails can testify, and stammering when I had to say anything that involved any thinking, but at least it wasn't as bad as when I tried to go bowling. I think I just felt much safer because it was somebody else's house, and Atiya is very nice, and has managed to pick up what my "chemical brain imbalance" is, and won't press on it.

The evening itself was alright. The plan was to start watching a movie at about 7, and order food during, but it didn't happened. And plans that don't happen make me nervous. People arrived late, so we talked, and then a Bollywood movie happened to kill some time. I really disliked the main character, as he looked just like an oversize Ken doll, without shoulders. We got food in the end, but it was all very disjointed and not the plan, so I knew rather early on that I would not get to watch the planned movie.
I mean, it wasn't too bad, it was nice to hang around with people, but it wasn't amazing. I had an ok time. I was sitting in a corner quietly for most of the time, petting some of my yarn, but it was not hiding-quiet, just simply quiet in the company of others, so it's a better thing.

I started to make my move out about 9.30, so I could get the 10.00 bus, and be home at 10.30. I think the worst part of the evening was having to explain to people that I needed to go home. That I get really ill if I don't get a full night sleep.
I can stay up late, and I can do "active" things, but they need preparation. I need to have quiet days the previous two days, and then sleep lots and vegetate the next day to recover all the energy spent in being social. However, most people just don't understand this, because socialising comes natural to them. I can only do so much every day (if I go to work, I can normally do only one more "big" thing, like shopping, or cleaning, or sex, and I have to organise stuff accordingly), and I truly needed to go home to sleep, regardless whether it was "just this once".
I don't want to go upfront "look, I have depression, I can't do this", but if I go around it people don't understand, and it is frustrating.

Despite getting home on time, I didn't have the extra rest to compensate for the active, so I feel incredibly hazy today. I spend 5 minutes earlier in the toilet completely zoned out, and I can barely hold my concentration, even when not working. Monday is a bank holiday, so at least I have three days to recover, and there isn't anything else planned for a while. I hope it will get easier with time, and that it will help me regain contact with my friends. I miss them, but I panic, and I feel really guilty. I guess even if not what I'd like to do, everything is a small step forwards.

[[Knitting post this weekend]]

Well, I never made it out

I tried, but a coworker did offer me a lift home and I took it. Social outings are not meant to make you feel so crap! I feel better now, after sitting in the sofa and relaxing with a book.
I still think it is a big improvement, even if I didn't make it there. It is a girl's birthday on Friday, so I can try to go to that one, just for a bit, and hopefully it will create a less bad reaction.

Social events == stress and panic

I am going on a social outing this evening with the people from the office, to go bowling. It's making me as ill as I haven't been in a while.

I don’t particularly want to go bowling, and not just for the people and the panic. I don’t really care for it. However, I very rarely get invited to things at work. Mostly they just seem to forget me at all, I'm not sure they do it on purpose. I have not been to many of the few things I've been invited, as I have not been interested or have been too ill.
Hence bowling. I don't particularly want to go, but I figured I should go to some things, even if I don't like them, in the hope that I will get invited to other things, maybe things I like.

But I'm so scared. I had a small/medium panic attack because of it yesterday, and I've just been crying with stress. As I told Teh Boyfriend yesterday, in a way it is a good thing, as I am panicking because I’m considering going, rather than hiding.

I doubt I will enjoy it much, although at least I have some knitting with me, so I can keep calm. I brought the dice bag and yarn to start a tiny whale. I did start the tiny whale earlier, and worked on while my code was compiling, but I lost the stitch marker and had to rip it all off.

I really just want to go home, take a warm shower, and then go to sleep. But I've worked so hard to go, and invested so many tears, that I don't want to loose them. At the same time, I am probably not going to enjoy it, so there isn't much point on going.

I am definitely not a social animal.

On working and enjoying it

I used to be a workaholic. It was a problem, and was causing me to have a mild depression back in the day (ironically, when I tried to stop being one was when I had my breakdown and went severely depressed, but that's another story and has more factors into it).
Changing from a workaholic to a more normal person has been a long process, paired with picking up new hobbies (knitting, mainly) and learning to relax. I don't think I am one now, although I know that it might be something that I need to watch out for all my life. It might possibly ran in the family (both sides), and it's a "good" escape technique, so I'll have to fight it. But I know that, so I'll watch out for it and it'll always be alright in the end.

However, I have just noticed today how much work influences my mood, even now that I'm not obsessed with it.
I had been doing for the last couple of weeks some coding. Fairly mindless code, to be honest, but still moderately entertaining, allowing me to listen to music and podcasts at the same time (the other code I enjoy is the difficult thinking code, and my bosses have decided that I should do more of that, so I'll be starting something challenging after Easter). The code work that I can do has finished now, because people are ill (and are working on things I need) and away (and can't explain to me the next project step). I reluctantly started working on the end of the last project I was working it. It's only doing the last corrections to the final document, not more than a day's work at most, but I can't do it. It's so dull, the company that sent the stuff can't understand that their code is bad, the stuff has failed catastrophically, and it's just dull and boring and I don't want to do it. It's dragging me down. It's making me feel depressed. I can't just get on with it, and I know being down won't be staying here with the document, I will be taking that home :o(

And it's not even that I've been working on this for months without hope. I've been working on it for *checks clock* 3 hours. And I'm already down, wanting to go home. At least I know that I will never be able to work in something I don't enjoy. Not for any idealistic reason, but because I doubt my depression will let me. Which, if I keep being lucky enough to do something I like, I guess it's not so bad a thing: I will be working in something I truly enjoy :o)


PS.- The mitten blocking was very successful! Keep tuned for when I upload the pictures this evening, I don't have them at work with me :o)
Also, I really like the little smiley with the nose. It's making me happy :o)