Friday, 14 March 2008

On working and enjoying it

I used to be a workaholic. It was a problem, and was causing me to have a mild depression back in the day (ironically, when I tried to stop being one was when I had my breakdown and went severely depressed, but that's another story and has more factors into it).
Changing from a workaholic to a more normal person has been a long process, paired with picking up new hobbies (knitting, mainly) and learning to relax. I don't think I am one now, although I know that it might be something that I need to watch out for all my life. It might possibly ran in the family (both sides), and it's a "good" escape technique, so I'll have to fight it. But I know that, so I'll watch out for it and it'll always be alright in the end.

However, I have just noticed today how much work influences my mood, even now that I'm not obsessed with it.
I had been doing for the last couple of weeks some coding. Fairly mindless code, to be honest, but still moderately entertaining, allowing me to listen to music and podcasts at the same time (the other code I enjoy is the difficult thinking code, and my bosses have decided that I should do more of that, so I'll be starting something challenging after Easter). The code work that I can do has finished now, because people are ill (and are working on things I need) and away (and can't explain to me the next project step). I reluctantly started working on the end of the last project I was working it. It's only doing the last corrections to the final document, not more than a day's work at most, but I can't do it. It's so dull, the company that sent the stuff can't understand that their code is bad, the stuff has failed catastrophically, and it's just dull and boring and I don't want to do it. It's dragging me down. It's making me feel depressed. I can't just get on with it, and I know being down won't be staying here with the document, I will be taking that home :o(

And it's not even that I've been working on this for months without hope. I've been working on it for *checks clock* 3 hours. And I'm already down, wanting to go home. At least I know that I will never be able to work in something I don't enjoy. Not for any idealistic reason, but because I doubt my depression will let me. Which, if I keep being lucky enough to do something I like, I guess it's not so bad a thing: I will be working in something I truly enjoy :o)

PS.- The mitten blocking was very successful! Keep tuned for when I upload the pictures this evening, I don't have them at work with me :o)
Also, I really like the little smiley with the nose. It's making me happy :o)

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