Thursday, 6 March 2008


Two things in which my guilt was wrong, to remember:

  • Elena was not upset for not having reached her in a while. I have to start the contacting process all over again with Alex, but she has still been trying to contact me, so she can't be too upset.
  • The librarian wasn't upset that the books were a month late. She said that it was ok when I apologised, but that sadly I had to pay a fine (£12.60, but I'll gladly pay that in exchange for not being scolded). She was really nice about it, and she said that next time (I had told her that I had been ill and unable to get them back) I can just ring them, and they'll renew them for me without a problem. She was so nice!

Therapy was a bit difficult and cry-y this morning, but I feel better now. We talked about guilt, which is one of the key factors in my depression. However, I haven't been able to deal with it properly yet. Because it's so at the root, there are always other urgent things to deal with, and only now I am well enough not to have anything too urgent in the way.

You see, for normal people guilt is a mechanism to help them do things they should, and they only have it in moderate amounts, so it's a healthy guilt. My guilt, however, has gotten out of control. It paired up with an unrealistic expectation-acquiring monster, and both of them are having a blast in my brain. Me, I'm enjoying it a bit less than they are.
I cried, and was irrational, and talked childishly, which is what I do when I go down, and he didn't get upset, or hurt, or anything (actually, I think nothing short of holocaust can quench this man's cheerfulness and energy). He was indeed very proud of me because I haven't been doing the exercises he set me perfectly.

For next session, he wants to know all about how I started knitting. With details, diagrams, pictures, everything. I'm not entirely sure why he wants such a detailed plan, but maybe it's because he knows that it will keep me entertained for a while, doing things I seem to enjoy. I wonder what he will extract from it. I shall make a pretty diagram, with my colour pens, and possibly report here.

I'm only now starting to reach some normality after crying, I've been a bit dazed, but I think it's normal.

My jacket is going rather well, I've nearly reached the armpit. I'll buy today some more yarn to finish my Draconic mittens, and I will look into some cheap wool for felting for Alex's bag, as alpaca appears to be magic and can turn water into hair. And the some more hair again. And, after felting, it turns the air it touches into even more hair. And you can't even wash it to get rid of the hair, because it will turn it into more hair :)


  1. sounds like a good session, because it really reached you ;)

    I had a strange one, WITH husband, still thinking about it, unsure of what the conclusion is...

  2. Glad to hear that your husband went as well. It's not going to be a magic solution, so maybe there isn't a conclusion yet, but at least hopefully it is a step forwards in the good direction.

    My therapist told me in the first session that most of the improvement in a patient was due to what happened in between sessions, rather than the actual therapist or method. However, they would try to put a little seed there, so it grows and helps in between sessions. Maybe the session is too recent to come up with a conclusion (I've been known to forget about my sessions right after I have them, but then slowly remember throughout the days what happens).

    I hope you have a good weekend, or at least not a bad one. *hugs*