Small project updates

I have nearly finished the initial rounds of the Lace camisole, as you can see in the picture. I really like how it's turning out. Now I need to sit down and work out some modifications to the pattern, as I don't want as much of an open back. I think they are going to be simple, though.

While I wait to get some free time to do this, I have been working on Alex's dice bag, which I had put aside a little bit. I can only work on it for a handful of minutes at a time, so it's been a very good choice to knit in the bus. I am about a third of the way through it.

I've started taking again fish oil, this time before lunch (I have it at work). Yesterday I went out with Alex and one of his friends from work and his girlfriend. Matt and Sarah, for those are they names, live very close to us, and Matt and Alex really get along, so it was time I met them. We went to an italian restaurant and then to a pub, and we had a really nice time. I was a bit nervous, and I might have been a bit loud and speaking too fast at times, but Alex said he hadn't noticed. I had a good time. I think I can handle strangers when they are only two and come with recommendation!

My shinies. Let me show you them.

My Ravelry merchandise got through yesterday. I did manage to tear the package open and try on my t-shirt, before I collapsed in bed from exhaustion and slept a couple of hours straight. This did disrupt my evening plans, which did include taking pictures, but it made me feel like a human being for the bit that I was awake later, rather than some sort of growling zombie.
I have my ravelry pin in my bag, and I have managed to take some pictures, so here is my ravelry gear.

disagree (1), in large

Daily dose of fiber

The House of Fraser near home is closing down its haberdashery department. While this is a shame, it does mean that they are having a 50% discount on everything, including Rowan, so I moved my lazy ass there today, and bought yarn for future projects. I might not do them yet, but this are project I know I want to do, so it makes sense to buy yarn now. I don't like stashing, I only buy to do specific projects. I got some cream yarn to make this lacy top (warning, link to pdf! rav link here), and some blue to make a möbius. I really want to knit one, and the blue calmer was so soft and looked so husky that I couldn't say no to it, even if it wasn't exactly planned.

Rowan Luxury Cotton

Rowan calmer

Now I have to go to a (first) tai chi class in 45 minutes, and I'm terrified. The only reason I'm not chickening out is that Alex would get really upset, because I said I'd go, and I don't think I can handle that without crashing.

Yesterday I was sociable

Yesterday I was sociable! *round of applause*

One of my coworkers had a movie night. When she emailed us about it, I replied saying that I might go, but I had a doctor's appointment on the day, so it would depend on how I felt. She then looked for me, and said that she understood, but it was going to be a quiet evening anyway, and she would be really happy if I could make it. Somebody actually requested my presence! Atiya is really nice. So I went, because people actually wanted me there, and they not always do.

Most of my interactions with friends are dominated and hindered by guilt. Guilt because I'm not a good friend, because I haven't talked to them in ages, because I'm ill. On the other hand, most of my interactions with acquaintances are dominated and hindered by anxiety. Anxiety and panic because I don't know what to talk about with them, because I feel that being ill will spoil the party, because I fear they won't like me and then be nasty to me.
However, because my acquaintances are here, and my friends live further away, I end up interacting with them more than with my good friends, which makes me feel even more guilty.

This is just to get you into context. I spend yesterday very nervous, as my lack of nails can testify, and stammering when I had to say anything that involved any thinking, but at least it wasn't as bad as when I tried to go bowling. I think I just felt much safer because it was somebody else's house, and Atiya is very nice, and has managed to pick up what my "chemical brain imbalance" is, and won't press on it.

The evening itself was alright. The plan was to start watching a movie at about 7, and order food during, but it didn't happened. And plans that don't happen make me nervous. People arrived late, so we talked, and then a Bollywood movie happened to kill some time. I really disliked the main character, as he looked just like an oversize Ken doll, without shoulders. We got food in the end, but it was all very disjointed and not the plan, so I knew rather early on that I would not get to watch the planned movie.
I mean, it wasn't too bad, it was nice to hang around with people, but it wasn't amazing. I had an ok time. I was sitting in a corner quietly for most of the time, petting some of my yarn, but it was not hiding-quiet, just simply quiet in the company of others, so it's a better thing.

I started to make my move out about 9.30, so I could get the 10.00 bus, and be home at 10.30. I think the worst part of the evening was having to explain to people that I needed to go home. That I get really ill if I don't get a full night sleep.
I can stay up late, and I can do "active" things, but they need preparation. I need to have quiet days the previous two days, and then sleep lots and vegetate the next day to recover all the energy spent in being social. However, most people just don't understand this, because socialising comes natural to them. I can only do so much every day (if I go to work, I can normally do only one more "big" thing, like shopping, or cleaning, or sex, and I have to organise stuff accordingly), and I truly needed to go home to sleep, regardless whether it was "just this once".
I don't want to go upfront "look, I have depression, I can't do this", but if I go around it people don't understand, and it is frustrating.

Despite getting home on time, I didn't have the extra rest to compensate for the active, so I feel incredibly hazy today. I spend 5 minutes earlier in the toilet completely zoned out, and I can barely hold my concentration, even when not working. Monday is a bank holiday, so at least I have three days to recover, and there isn't anything else planned for a while. I hope it will get easier with time, and that it will help me regain contact with my friends. I miss them, but I panic, and I feel really guilty. I guess even if not what I'd like to do, everything is a small step forwards.

[[Knitting post this weekend]]

Well, I never made it out

I tried, but a coworker did offer me a lift home and I took it. Social outings are not meant to make you feel so crap! I feel better now, after sitting in the sofa and relaxing with a book.
I still think it is a big improvement, even if I didn't make it there. It is a girl's birthday on Friday, so I can try to go to that one, just for a bit, and hopefully it will create a less bad reaction.

Social events == stress and panic

I am going on a social outing this evening with the people from the office, to go bowling. It's making me as ill as I haven't been in a while.

I don’t particularly want to go bowling, and not just for the people and the panic. I don’t really care for it. However, I very rarely get invited to things at work. Mostly they just seem to forget me at all, I'm not sure they do it on purpose. I have not been to many of the few things I've been invited, as I have not been interested or have been too ill.
Hence bowling. I don't particularly want to go, but I figured I should go to some things, even if I don't like them, in the hope that I will get invited to other things, maybe things I like.

But I'm so scared. I had a small/medium panic attack because of it yesterday, and I've just been crying with stress. As I told Teh Boyfriend yesterday, in a way it is a good thing, as I am panicking because I’m considering going, rather than hiding.

I doubt I will enjoy it much, although at least I have some knitting with me, so I can keep calm. I brought the dice bag and yarn to start a tiny whale. I did start the tiny whale earlier, and worked on while my code was compiling, but I lost the stitch marker and had to rip it all off.

I really just want to go home, take a warm shower, and then go to sleep. But I've worked so hard to go, and invested so many tears, that I don't want to loose them. At the same time, I am probably not going to enjoy it, so there isn't much point on going.

I am definitely not a social animal.

Easter

I'm going to Eastercon!

I wasn't really planning on going, it hadn't really occurred to me. But two days ago at night, Alex and I had a look at places to go for Easter. Because it was so late, and because we weren't sure what we wanted to do, we couldn't really find anything we liked, and it was all rather expensive, especially for something we were not sure about. Alex got rather sad and a bit upset, because he wanted to do something nice with me, but nothing was happening.

Something clicked inside me. Seeing him so sad about it was like a good kick in the butt, and the organiser Cristina came out. I calmed him down and then found us a pln¹ (play, restaurant; zoo, forest).
Then yesterday at work one of my friends mentioned online Eastercon, and that clicked to. After confirming with Alex an interest, I found dates, hotels, prices and other information, and phoned the theatre anyway to check if they'd still had tickets that evening rather than book them then (it turned out that they were already sold out). I even secured a temporary booking (until today) of a hotel room, just in case we wanted to book tickets for the con.

In the evening, when both of us went home, we discussed it, and suddenly Alex found himself with a plan I had made, including with emails and phone calls to strange people, something I hate dread hate dread doing. I then booked the con tickets and the hotel, and he booked the trains. I had a bit of a shake prior to booking, but I had managed got get an idea all the way to a plan without panicking!

So now Alex and I will be at Eastercon Saturday and Sunday, staying Saturday night at the con hotel! I feel very proud of having dealt with and planned things. I also want Alex to know that I can step up to the challenge if it's needed, that he doesn't need to help me be up all the time.


I'm off to Alex's siblings birthday party this evening, and probably will be out of contact for a couple of days afterwards at his parents. I'm a bit scared about the birthday party, because it involves 90-odd people I don't know, so hopefully I will be ok. Alex has volunteered to help me and, if I feel bad, I can go back early wit Alex's parents, who are not staying for the full party until 3 am (it's a rented venue).

Have a good Easter if I don't see you earlier!



¹A pln is a plan that is not fully developed yet. Even below a pln is a pl. You don't want to carry out those.