Two steps forward, one step back

Two steps forward

Finished off the first of my Bluerose socks, complete with anatomically correct toes.

Bound off the top of Elena's Ice Queen. Once I actually read the instructions properly, it was all much easier.

One step back

This weekend, I discovered that Demeter was not as finished as I thought. That centre split for the neckline is not centred, so there is some unravelling to do. I don't yet know what happened: current options are me messing up the counting or choosing the number for the wrong size (or something excitingly different).

Two steps forward

I have two specialist referrals to deal with my tiredness problems.

I have new meds to try. They may not work, but at least I'm doing something rather than waiting for the appointments to materialise themselves.

One step back

Anxiety is creeping back, and it just makes everything more difficult. The tiredness doesn't help it, and everything has the potential to overwhelm.

At least I'm still ahead on the game!

It's the small things in life

The best thing about quitting your main antidepressant is that you can drink black coffee again without triggering a migraine! This is so much better.

Being out of the (nasty) withdrawal period, and not having had any mood changes due to the stopping are also nice, but I missed my black coffee! :)

The turkey and the zaps

Today, my body has been cleared from Sertraline for two weeks. Sertraline takes about two weeks to have some effect in an ill person so, despite having a rather short half-life, it makes some sense that the withdrawal side-effects would take about two weeks to wear off. They can stop any time now.
Technically, it's not withdrawal, but a discontinuation syndrome. Antidepressants do create a dependency, but they are not addictive: patients on them, while they need them to function, will not go down drug-seeking behaviours, and this makes a different (for example, in lab experiments, animals given the option will not increase their dose as they do with other addictive drugs).

The discontinuation has not affected my mood, which is a huge success. My best friend was incredibly proud of me when I told him that I had stopped them, and talked about how far I had come from the bad time.

The main problem I have had with the discontinuation have been the brain zaps, which feel like a static shock (I like this description of the zaps (4th paragraph)).
It took a couple of days for them to get started, which made me foolishly believe that I had escaped them. They reached their worse last week, about a week after I had stopped (which makes sense in the two-week theory), when I had to go home from work because I couldn't handle it any more, and they made my left eye see blue. I kid you not, my sofa was green when looked from my left eye instead of brown, and the pale cushions were blue. No awesome 3D effects, though.

At the moment the brain zaps are finally in remission: most of my morning are now free of zaps, and they only appear in the afternoon, as I get more tired. They normally get triggered by things like changing positions (like from standing to sitting down), when I change directions (turning corners is suddenly very difficult) and when I look at things that are at different distances (I've been looking at the floor while walking because it's always at a constant distance). They get worse the more tired I get.

And this is my cold-turkey experience. Dizziness that is still present, but no mood change. I guess is not so bad, but I would like if the zaps stopped, and if it also brought my incredibly vivid and realistic dreams to a halt. And a pony :)

Cold turkey

I have been taking sertraline for 2 1/2 years now. Funny enough, I have spent 1 1/2 of those years trying to stop taking it! The first decrease program my doctor and I devised (which would have taken me from 50mg/day to none in 2 months), proved too much for my brain. After about a year, I managed to go down to 25mg, which is an incredibly small dose.

Last time I tried to stop taking it, I went for 25-25-0. However, my body decided to interpret this as me forgetting my meds, and went on withdrawal. I would then give it meds for two more days, so it wasn't getting used to no meds.

I'm going to try again. However, I have explicit permission from my doctor to go cold turkey. Because it is such a small dose, quitting cold turkey shouldn't fry my brain, and hopefully this way I can get through the withdrawal phase in one go, rather than starting and stopping. My doctor has arranged a phone consultation for next week, so we can discuss how I'm doing. I will still be taking the other antidepressant at night, which I also want to stop, but I'm only going to change one variable at a time.

My apologies if I am a bit weird(er) on the next bunch of days. I expect that they will be exciting times for me, but I hope they are not exciting for those around me.

More yarn!

As I said yesterday, I had more yarn coming my way, and here it is!

This time I got yarn from First4yarns. I was originally going to buy the green cotton, as Create and Knit didn't have that colour, but then I gave in to the silk (and seacell) when I saw. The lace yarn is Zen Yarn Garden's Sea Silk, in the lovely Espresso colourway, although the colour is closer to milky coffee. The service from First4Yarns was very good as well, and the yarn arrived well protected in extra plastic and exactly within the timeframe (the also shipped the day after I ordered, but the 2nd class mail -free!- meant it took longer). I will make some beautiful shawl with this yarn, only not just yet, especially as I don't even know which pattern (but have a short list).

In other news, I upped my meds while I wait for my appointment (next monday), because I was tired of feeling crap.

Brief exahustion interlude

This lack of energy is so crap. Another weekend feeling rotten, and I'm pretty sure is because of the meds decrease. My body just can't understand that I'm not forgetting them, this is on purpose, and it's really annoying. I have an appointment with my doctor next Monday (not tomorrow), but I don't know whether to continue with the 25-25-0, or go back to have 25mg of sertraline everyday in between.

This evening I finally managed to pick up a bit, after a whole weekend of not wanting to do anything, and not finding joy on anything (not playing video games, or the Wii, or knitting, or reading, everything was bland). However, I phoned my grandma yesterday, and I made her the happiest woman on Earth, and that made me feel better.

As a result of picking up, I want to share my most recent yarn purchase with you:

Several skeins of Peaches & Cream (rav link) worsted cotton for amigurumi, bought from Create and Knit. I would totally recommend them. I found the shop via a thread in Ravelry asking for cheap cotton in the UK, and the shop was highly recommended. My yarn arrived 2 days after I ordered, in perfect conditions, and wrapped in extra plastic bags, so it wouldn't get wet. I was thrilled by the speed. And the cotton is nice and perfect for the task. I've just started a little robot, so you will be able to see it in action soon.

I have two more yarn purchases on the way, so expect more yarn pr0n soon.


My Healing Cardigan is progressing slowly, but I have finally finished the 1st sleeve. Pix because it did happen:

Slightly mad

I think I'm going slightly mad(der).

Decreasing the meds is giving me brain zaps. It seems that my brain just wants the damn serotonin, but I don't know what else I can do: even with the lowest possible dose, if I don't take it one day, it complains!
Possibly related, I had such a bad night of sleep Sunday night that I didn't make it to work on Monday. Spent most of the day like a zombie (braaaains), knitting plain stockinette (and now my Healing Cardi has nearly 1 sleeve!).

I've also stopped wanting to go to Tai Chi, although that is from before I started the med reduction. It's fine once I'm there, but at the moment it's cold and grim and dark outside, and I just don't have the energy to go there (although I would love it if I could teleport there).

On the good side, I've just ordered way too many pounds of yarn, some worsted weight in bright colours to make amigurumi and some beautiful light chocolate laceweight silk for a shawl. I've only made basic lace before, so of course the right thing to do is get very lovely, very think silk and dive to the deep end, right?

No meds

Today, I took no meds. I'm weaning down my last medication, taking it two days and resting one, and today it's the first of those days. If all goes well and my brain doesn't fry while doing so, I shall be med-free in about 4 or so weeks. I guess this is the pure and unadulterated Cristina.

Of course, today the pure and unadulterated Cristina is suffering from sleep deprivation and leftover sadness, so this is not a good indicator of how things are or should be going. I just need a couple of nights of better sleep.

Migraines seem to mean reading

Except for Saturday, I have had migraines every day for the last week. I've had better weeks, and, although I know that they are partly related to the stressful week at work I had, they are starting to worry me. I think part of it is also that my brain is getting used to the decrease of meds: I just recently decreased my anti-anxiety medication, which is of the same family of meds as the medication I took a while back for migraine prevention.
I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday, so I will discuss this with her (ideally I'd like to find my copy of the neurologist report, just in case the one the NHS is meant to have has gotten lost in all my moves, but I don't think it's going to happen).


As a result, I've had lots of naps, lots of knitting and lots of reading, but not that much computer time, except for the 7.5 hours a day I have to put at work and brief email checks at home. The combination of sleep and painkillers is absolutely great, but I can't sleep all day. While the compute screen hurts my eyes, I can still read without extra pain, so that and knitting have kept me entertained when I have been awake.
I've started Olympos, and I have made quite a dent on Alex's socks and my Healing Jacket 2, so I'm quite pleased with that. I like reading, the problem is that there is not enough time in the day to do everything, so it's nice to just do it every once in a whle, even if for this reason.


There is no need for alarm, by the way: it's a fairly standard migraine, albeit a bit long than normal. One of my coworkers keeps looking at me and asking me how I feel as if I had the plague or was about to die, and it got annoying really quick.



I think my brain needs a reboot.

Hopes for better sleep

On Sunday, when I was mostly hibernating because my energy levels were so low, I discovered that I can knit and read at the same time!
Granted, it was only a swatch (for Emerald) and a book that I've already read twice (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince), and both went pretty slow, but both went. I am the Queen of Multitasking!


My (new but equally nice) doctor was very puzzled yesterday that reducing my propanolol had made me more tired, because it was really not meant to do that! Yesterday I was so exhausted that I nearly couldn't be bothered to go to Tai Chi, and you know how much I like it and how good it does to me.

As a result of her confusion, we are running a bit of an experiment. I'm decreasing my propanolol a bit more, and alternating taking it and not. On the days that I take it, I will also take some sleeping pills (zopiclone), to help us determine whether my exhaustion is due to poor sleep or if there are other causes (despite my recent blood tests being impeccable). In the days that I do not take the propanolol, I won't take anything to sleep, to see how my sleep acts when it's not chemically affected by the propanolol. We'll only be running this experiment for two weeks, partly because the sleeping pills she gave me are highly addictive, and I'm also incredibly reactive to changes in medication, so it should be plenty of time to tell.

I took yesterday my first sleeping pill. ~Funny enough, it took me a bit longer to fall asleep than normal, as I was a bit anxious as to what effects it was going to have on me. I think my dreams were slightly less vivid than normal, more subdued, less bright colours, although they were still there most of the night. I think I slept a bit better, though, although Tai Chi always helps with that.

I'll guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Change of plans

Today, I wanted to mention that it's been two years since I had my major breakdown, and how far I've come from then. Instead, I'm going to complain about sleep.

As I've mentioned before, a side effect of one of my meds is incredibly vivid dreams, which leave me tired all the time. I am decreasing my meds, partly because I don't need them now, and partly to help me sleep better.
However, it's not working! The propanolol is what makes me sleepy. Since decreasing it even further (from 80-40-40 mg to 40 mg all), I'm more sleepy than ever. This past night I slept 10 hours, and had to go back to bed after 2 hours awake, because I was just too tired. I had noticed I had been more sleepy recently but, when I check my records, I noticed that this latest phase started when I decreased them. They were meant to have the opposite effect!


However, in good news, I have finished the first of my lace gloves. And 2.5mm is alright, so I don't have to redo it. This is quite quite convenient, because Get Knitted, my LYS, didn't have a 2.75mm hook!

Small project updates

I have nearly finished the initial rounds of the Lace camisole, as you can see in the picture. I really like how it's turning out. Now I need to sit down and work out some modifications to the pattern, as I don't want as much of an open back. I think they are going to be simple, though.

While I wait to get some free time to do this, I have been working on Alex's dice bag, which I had put aside a little bit. I can only work on it for a handful of minutes at a time, so it's been a very good choice to knit in the bus. I am about a third of the way through it.

I've started taking again fish oil, this time before lunch (I have it at work). Yesterday I went out with Alex and one of his friends from work and his girlfriend. Matt and Sarah, for those are they names, live very close to us, and Matt and Alex really get along, so it was time I met them. We went to an italian restaurant and then to a pub, and we had a really nice time. I was a bit nervous, and I might have been a bit loud and speaking too fast at times, but Alex said he hadn't noticed. I had a good time. I think I can handle strangers when they are only two and come with recommendation!

Last meds bag

Horray! I finished it! I sew the buttons on today on my way back from work on the bus. It is not my finest project, but it is mine and it will be very helpful. I really don't like forgetting to order more meds, the side effects are not fun.

I have already put my meds inside, about a week or a month supply inside (depending on the strip). Because I only need to ring my chemist a week before I need meds (they sort out everything with the doctor), this arrangement should be alright.
I'm so proud of my design!

The designer itch

I am slowly getting the designer itch. This cannot possibly end well :)

I have mostly designed a/the little bag to keep my last meds, which is nearly finished. It is partly influenced by other bags, but I think I can still mostly count it mine, if I turn the page and squint. I should be done with it and post pictures this evening, but don't hold your breath, I don't want my readers dying.

Now I want a belt. Well, sort of. I want some sort of sash/belt/obi to wrap around my waist and give some shaping to some of my short sleeve shirts, to make them look slightly more formal. However, I can't find on Ravelry any belt-y type thing that is a bit thick! Well, there is one pattern (non-Rav link), but it is in a Berroco book, and I don't think I'll buy the whole book.
Ergo, the correct answer here is to design and knit my own!

So, requirements for my belt:

• about 10 cm thick
  
• grey as my normal work trousers
  
• ability to close in a pretty way,and "change" size
  
• maybe with a little cute pocket!
  
• some manner of decoration. I was thinking to small cables along the edges, and maybe some lacy squares along the centre. My trousers have some sort of square-ish pattern (tweed style), so I think it might go nice. I have a book that includes some lace stitch patterns, so I will have a look at it, as I don't think I can make up my own lace yet.
  
• some actual obi inspiration? I shall have a look online at pictures of real obi, and see if I can somehow incorporate that design into mine

I am going my LYS today, to browse and get some white yarn for some more amigurumi¹, so I can have a look at some dark grey yarn, and get a bit to start swatching and designing the patterns. I am being very good and not buying yarn for my next big project (non-Rav link) until I finish the cardigan, but small project are a fair go because the cardi is too big to carry around.


1: I am having trouble with the magnets for the Katamari. I might have somewhere else to look for them today, otherwise I will have to look for them online. ↑

Further decreases

Tomorrow I am going to decrease the dose of my anxiety medication (80 mg/day of propanolol hydrochloride, a beta-blocker). My anxiety is what is most unchecked at the moment, but I have a good reason to decrease it now (I should add that control over my med changes was explicitely passed on to me by my doctor).
My doctor told me last time that one of the side effects of propanolol is vivid dreams/nightmares. My dreams are normally rather vivid, but lately (maybe the last 3 or so months) they've been really intense, and lasting the entire night. Let me tell you, living a double life at night is rather tiring!

I am a bit worried about this, as I don't want to go down again with multiple panic attacks a day. I have now 40 mg pills, so I can alternate 80-80-40, as I started with the sertraline. This does not seem a too harsh decrease, so hopefully my body will be able to cope with it.
Decreasing the dose might also increase the migraines. I got them initially treated with beta-blockers as well, and I worry that after so long on them again, my brain is used to them and will produce pain again for no reason. However, the risk of increasing panic and migraines will hopefully be counterbalanced with better nights of sleep.
Better nights of sleep allow me to be more relaxed and less depressed, which can only be a good thing. Better sleep will also let me have more energy, which is something I'm rather looking for at the moment. It is a bit of a shame to spend most evenings exhausted and wanting to go to sleep since 7, and it is very frustrating. Sometimes that makes me angry, but sometimes it just makes me more depressed.
I do hope it will all go alright. At least the sun is shining and I have got my code to work a bit.

Meds adjustment

I went to the doctor today for a check-up. My doctor is really nice, and understand what I'm going through. He said today that I looked a lot better since he first met me, and that I was even smiling!
And I do feel better. After many months of feeling completely stagnant, I feel as in the last handful of months I have started to get better. Slowly, and with its ups and downs, but the general trend seems to be up.
He thinks I'm ready to decrease my meds further. In a month's time I will decrease my sertraline (zoloft) from 50mg-25mg on alternate days, to 50-25-25. It has to be done very slowly or I get brain zaps and very sleepy.
I am also geting my propanolol in 2x40mg pills, rather than one 80mg pill, so if I feel well I can try reducing it a bit. He thinks that a reduction might help with feeling tired all the time, as a side effect of propanolol is vivid dreams, which I am having. I have always had vivid dreams, but now they last all night. I feel as if I've been working all night, and they are not letting me rest properly.
Hopefully the spring will make me feel a bit better as well. Sunshine always helps.

Meds, counterclockwise from top: 1000mg flaxseed oil (veggie equivalent to fish oil, which made me feel nasty), 25mg sertraline, 80mg propanolol.

As Edward Monkton says, We must take our tablets or else we'll go mad. I love this card. I found it after I starting taking meds, and it is one of my favourites ever!
See it here in handy little animated icon, made by me:


OK, I think I'm done editing now. *whistles away*

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope

I sense a disturbance in the force. I fear I am going to have another relapse soon. Like one of those migraine auras (that I’ve never had, but that is not the issue). I want to do something about it, but I am too tired. I haven’t slept well for about a week now, and I am exhausted.

However, I have done some things to help me. Not on the short run, but on the medium and long run. I have agreed to go out with some of my coworkers to the cinema in a couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel ignored and left out, and then withdraw even further, so hopefully if I socialise with them a bit more I will feel better and they might ignore me a bit less.

I have also decided that it is time to try to decrease even further my medication. I will have ½ my dose tomorrow as normal, and then on Monday again, so every 2 days instead of every 3. I hope it goes ok, and this time the change has been slow enough to not knock me out. I really don’t need to feel more sleepy than I do, if that is possible.
I have then a doctor’s appointment for a week after that, so I can tell him how I’m feeling, and any side effects I might have picked up in that week. And I have finally got the deposit for my therapy through, and will be seeing my new therapist on the 31st. I really hope that goes well. I’ve had mixed experience with therapists (one lovely woman and two other horrible people), but I really hope this one is good. I really hope so.