Divide by zero

Divide_by_zero
Originally uploaded by cristina_r_t

The seemingly professional simulator I'm testing has some problems.

As Zoidberg says, "Your simulator is bad and you should feel bad".

Crocheting is difficult

Crocheting is difficult. Also, I really like how "crocheting" is pronounced, with the silent t and a slight french accent, it sounds really pretty... oh, a bunny!


*ejem*
Crocheting is difficult. I did make a little swatch the other day to learn all the different type of stitches, and that was difficult enough, there was much frogging and cursing at the swatch.
But now I'm trying to do the Katamari. I went through 3 different explanations and about 5 trials of the magic ring before I learned how to do it, and then 3 more goes until I made one that didn't look like poo.
Then I started the crochet in the round. It took a bit to get the hang of if, mainly because of the crocheting bit, rather than the round bit, and some frogging as I was getting used to the type of stitches. Then I started it again with a bigger hook.
Yesterday I managed to do most of the first half of the main body, but I don't like it. It's so tight! The pattern says to crochet tight, but it always comes out tight, even when I try to do it loose. The fabric is really hard, and the worse is that the magic circle is a lot loser, so it "pokes out".

But I'm not going to give up, because I want a Katamari.

I might just knit something else (iPod cosy and Tudora) before, and then try again.

In which I honour the full title of my blog

The Knit...
I finished Clapotis yesterday. Will take some pictures when I feel better and teh boyfriend is home. It looks really pretty. I will post more details when I have the pics, because I doubt I'll make it justice now.
After the big scarf and the on-going healing jacket, I'm going to do a couple of littleler projects: a stuffed mouse (for the kitten of one of teh boyfriend's co-workers, because I can), the katamari (I learned to crochet yesterday) and an iPod cosy (see bellow).


...the Geek...
I have an iPod! Partly because I wanted something to carry all my music at all times, but partly also because it's cool and shiney and I wanted one! I have managed to fill 4 of the 80 gigs with the music I had lying around, and I'm on a downloading binge (suggestions welcome!). And this is why I need to knit an iPod cosy! I also put into it all my kitten pictures, so I can have a look at them anywhere when I'm feeling down.


...and the Therapy.
So, I had a doctor's appointment today. It might not have been the best day ever to have it, as I had a really crap day yesterday, so any possible progress was not looking bright. My doctor is really hopeful for me, and he appears to truly believe that I will get better, mainly, he said, because I have hope that I won't always stay like this.
I am now taking about 3/4 of the medication I was talking a while ago (*1 1/2* repeat), but he doesn't' think that I should decrease it any further, at least for now. I am starting therapy on Thursday, so hopefully that would help.
Sadly, he didn't have anything for my physical ailments (not sleeping well, back popping, cold and sleepy), as he thinks that they are a side effect of my depression. So maybe if/when I get better, they will get better to. I am also getting a full blood test just to check that there isn't anything noticeably physical (mainly my thyroid) that is making me depressed.
I don't think I have gotten any better for the last year or so, since I re-reached basic functionality. Sure, I can function, but I'm not well, nor stable, nor can do complicated things. Yesterday I wanted to phone my landlord to renew my contract, and I just couldn't, panic horribly when I tried to do it.
However, I forgot to mention to him that my jaw (the bit that connect the jaw to the rest of my brain) really hurts when I open my mouth. It's not my wisdom teeth, because I can poke at them and they don't hurt, and it just feels in a slightly different area, more inside, but it's rather uncomfortable.

Madarame-san

As Madarame (character from one of my favourite anime/manga, Genshiken) did, this weekend I too spent more money on anime, manga and science fiction books than on food.

List of purchases:

• Read or Die (A)
  
• Cowboy Bebop (A)
  
• Genshiken 7, 8 & 9 (M)
  
• 1984 (SF)
  
• Starship troopers (SF)
  
• The Moon is a harsh mistress (SF)
  

Plus, not in those cathegories

• The origin of species
  
• Catch-22
  

Jayne

IMG_4990
Originally uploaded by cristina_r_t

Jayne
The man they call Jayne
He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor
Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for
Our love for him now ain't hard to explain
The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne

Now Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breaking
He saw the Mudders lament
And he saw the magistrate taking
Every dollar and leaving five cents
So he said, "You can't do that to my people"
He said "You can't crush 'em under your heel"
Jayne strapped on his hat
And in five seconds flat
Stole everything Boss Higgins had to steal

He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor
Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for
Our love for him now ain't hard to explain
The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne

Now here is what separates heroes
From common folk like you and I
The man they call Jayne
He turned 'round his plane
And let that money hit the sky
He dropped it onto our houses
He dropped it into our yards
And the man call Jayne
He turned 'round his plane
And headed out for the stars

He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor
Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for
Our love for him now ain't hard to explain
The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne!

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope

I sense a disturbance in the force. I fear I am going to have another relapse soon. Like one of those migraine auras (that I’ve never had, but that is not the issue). I want to do something about it, but I am too tired. I haven’t slept well for about a week now, and I am exhausted.

However, I have done some things to help me. Not on the short run, but on the medium and long run. I have agreed to go out with some of my coworkers to the cinema in a couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel ignored and left out, and then withdraw even further, so hopefully if I socialise with them a bit more I will feel better and they might ignore me a bit less.

I have also decided that it is time to try to decrease even further my medication. I will have ½ my dose tomorrow as normal, and then on Monday again, so every 2 days instead of every 3. I hope it goes ok, and this time the change has been slow enough to not knock me out. I really don’t need to feel more sleepy than I do, if that is possible.
I have then a doctor’s appointment for a week after that, so I can tell him how I’m feeling, and any side effects I might have picked up in that week. And I have finally got the deposit for my therapy through, and will be seeing my new therapist on the 31st. I really hope that goes well. I’ve had mixed experience with therapists (one lovely woman and two other horrible people), but I really hope this one is good. I really hope so.

Ravelry to Get Knitted

This past Saturday, a bunch of us from Ravelry descended mercilessly upon Get Knitted, set up camp there, and raided their supplies (both yarn and food). It was awesome.
I was really excited by the prospect. I was too excited to be panicking about meeting new people. So I went in there, to the unknown, not afraid. I knitted, bought lots of yarn and talked to lots of people, and I didn't panic, nor had to run away and hid, nor was more ill the following day. It was one of the best things ever.

So, the actual meeting. About 30-35 people were there, some coming from as far as London¹. Everybody was really friendly and on the same wavelength. Everybody from my knitting group was there, but I didn't just talk to them: I was sociable with most people.
We had an author with us, woolly wormhead, and wyesue had brought her spinning wheel, so I was hypnotised by that for a while. I really can't remember most people's names, but one lady recommended to knit through the back loop when picking up stitches along the sock's heel gusset, to minimise the holes, so I will try that next time.
Here are some pictures of the gathering, in thumbnail version, click for full size:



²


I did quite some buying, especially because of the 10% discount, but at least I bought for 3 specific projects, rather than randomly for a stash, so it's not too bad at all.

I finally found yarn for my Jayne hat. I had been looking for non-woolly yarn in the recommended thickness (12 st/10 cm), but that is nearly impossible to find. So now I have thinner yarn which I will just use doubled. This same yarn, with a bit of blue thrown in, should allow me to do the Katamari, although I still need to learn how to crochet.

I also got yarn for my healing jacket (I've decided that that will be its role, as well as keeping me warm). I got some Rowan Summer Tweed, which looks tweedy, but it's made out of cotton and silk. It looks kind of "rough", but it is really soft. I have started the tummy stripes, but for now I can only show the yarn.


And an update on my Clapotis, which everybody liked and admired and some people have started queueing it after seeing me knit one. Go me!


I do hope Ravelry meets again. It was great.


¹ Although, that said, I *have* gone down to London before just for a pub lunch.
² I'm not very good at naming pics.

Hat and gloves

And finally, I have got around to get some pictures of my long-finished objects: the Cherry Pie Fetchings and the Peasant Cap.
I have been using them for a while, and very successfully. Well, mostly. I have now learned that soy stretches. No, more than that. More. My fetchings have therefore stretched out a little bit, especially around the cables of the palm. I might knit them again next winter (I actually bought some extra soy because it's pretty, and so I can reknit them), but for now they are working rather well.
The Peasant cap took a bit longer to get to grips with, and much trying it on and resewing the back, but now I really like it. It slouches back and covers my ponytail, especially when my hair is wet, which was its purpose. I was under the impression a normal hat would make me look ugly, but this is a lot more airy and differently shaped, so it suits me fairly well.

And now, without further ado, the pictures!

And then I dreamt

Yesterday night something rather strange happened. I normally have weird dreams (the boyfriend always comments on how messed up I am every time I tell him about them ☺), but this was just odd: I dreamed I was ill, and had a nervous breakdown.
I was in my high school (not exactly my real one, but the dreamed modification of my real one: it's almost the same, but the dreamed modifications stay constant from dream to dream), and we were outside for PE. We were playing handball in such a little space that my hand was hitting the wall every time I tried to serve.
At some point I started shacking and having a nervous attack and, ironically, I remember everybody around me panicking, while I was just thinking "It's alright, I'm just panicking, I'll just sit here for a bit until it goes away". Which I did, I was just shacking a little.
But they seemed to panic a lot, and called the ambulance, and two medics arrived. They created such commotion outside that everybody out the door from the court I was in, and the principal was rather upset at all the mess I had caused. They all just wanted to see who had caused all the fuss.
I was not going out through that door.
However, at that point I regained my cool, took one of the medics through the side elevator, went to class to pick my stuff (in which I managed to put down the bullies, including the teacher, who was ..something... he was trying to hide), and then changed from my PE clothes before going majestically down the stairs, and surprising everybody, who were looking at the other door waiting so see some kind of wreck.
I remember even touching one of my friends in the shoulder and telling him that I was going to be away for a little bit (we were still going back to hospital), and he said that he understood, and he really did.

This is the first time I am ill in my dreams, and was a bit disturbing, but I like the way in which I recovered a bit and took control of the situation.
And, just this time, I want to believe in dreams, because it meant so much that my friend understood why I haven't been quite so active in our friendship. I think he does understand a bit. And he keeps trying, and sometimes I react, and I can still keep him. Which means a lot to me.

I wish

It is in times like this when I wish I could actually write.

Boyfriend socks pictures up

Finally got around to put some pictures of the socks up, which can be found in the socks' post, here.

Scary thought of the day

Scary thought of the day: people are actually reading my blog.

I mean, I suppose that was what I always wanted, but I never thought that it would happen. It was more like one of those fantasies in which I am a kick-ass medieval knight, or a witch.

But yesterday was a mentally sunny day, and today it only had some clouds. So I feel ok to accept readers, rather than panic about it and never coming here again.

Messed up, me? Nooooo...

Patterns completed/planned update

One of the outcomes of working with software is that code takes forever to compile and run. What should I be doing while my program runs? This version will take 10 minutes¹, but the next round is due to take about 3 hours, in which I probably should be doing something². But, for now, that something is to flap on the keyboard about knitting and depression, two of my favourite topics.

Depression. I have had two minor breakdowns the two previous days (one about friends and one about sex). I am trying not to worry excessively about the breakdowns, and accept that sometimes they happen and this doesn't need to be the start of a downward slope.
I have been reading plenty of books (some of them even by prescription! I have never got books on prescription before!) about how to get better, and maybe that is the reason I'm not doing as well now, because I've only been focusing in what I've not been doing rather than doing something.
I am going to take up yoga.
Yesterday I got a letter from the Doctor because I can start therapy! I need to send them a deposit, and then they'll ring me to organise a session. It is not free as it was in London, but it's only £10/hour, which is not too bad. If it gets me well, they will be some of the best spent pounds ever.

Ok, so now the knitting.
I finally finished weaving in the ends for my mother's purple socks, mainly because I had decided to give them to her for Christmas. They were Thujas in purple, because they were meant to be full of healing magicks to help her after her surgery. I didn't make them on time for that, or for her visit here, so I decided to wait until Christmas and forgo the story. She really liked them, and still cannot believe that I taught myself to knit over the internet (although at least she has stopped asking who taught me). I managed to get the colouring nicely in the socks, like in Angela's thankyou socks, and I was very happy with that.

I tried to knit a star as Christmas decorations, because the boyfriend likes Christmas and we didn't have any, but it didn't work.

I obviously finished my Fetchings. The soy worked surprisingly nice, and it does keep my hands warm. I should have done the finger a bit longer, and I think I should have knitted it with smaller needles, it has stretched a bit too much. My C4B are a million times better than my C4F, but I don't know why. At some point I think I would like to reknit them better (I bought extra yarn just for these purpose), but maybe for next winter: my queue is already long as it is.

I also finished my peasant cap (pdf). After some modifications and stitches added here and there, I managed to get it right so it would hid all my hair when in a pony tail, so I wear it when I have damp hair (they entire purpose behind it, I have enough hair to keep my head warm when it's dry). Because it was knitted doubled, I used blue and black together, giving it a very nice effect. Will get pictures up at some point.

I also knitted some mini Christmas stockings (from here, which I bought with depression books in the middle of a slight panic). I knitted one for me, one for Alex and one for little Jonathan. They looked very cute, and they made people happy. I experimented with the cuff and the toes until I got them right, so each stocking is a bit different. The last stocking, Jonathan's, is, in my opinion, the best of all. And he really liked it!

Knitting a Clapotis now. I'll also have to knit a jacket. I get cold very very often, but my warm jumpers are rather shapeless, and they make me feel really ugly, which is not good at all when you are depressed. I have a couple of patterns in mind already: Candy (not in those colours) and the Sunrise Circle (pdf).

Will also make a Katamari for Alex, although first I need to learn how to crochet!

Also, my ear has just turn into a sea shell with the noise and I can't make it go normal *grumbles*

¹ Nah, scrap that. Including processing time, it's more like 13, which will also increase the duration of the next run. Nope, a lot more than that. 20 per run? 6 hrs total, just to get some data I can actually use. Maybe. If I'm lucky. How many goats you reckon?

² Yes, I know. But I like it.



Oh, all patterns and projects can be found on Ravelry.